Family Honor
by Zorknot
Summary: AU: Ranma has a tremendous respect for Family Honor... although he has a decidedly different idea of what it means. One of my weirder fics. CHAPTER3 UP!
1. The Flight of Akane Tendo

Family Honor  
A Ranma ½ fanfic by Zorknot  
Chapter 1: The Flight of Akane Tendo  
  
DISCLAIMER: These characters and some situations are owned   
by Takahashi Rumiko and the Army of the Undead and not by me.   
If everything about Ranma were to be made into a movie, I'd be an   
extra with a very short screen time. Maybe not even that. You   
know that scene where some guy is selling bread to a girl with a   
panda balloon in the first episode? My best friend's second cousin   
knows a guy who played bingo with him once. Though if you ask   
me, I think he made it up.  
  
~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~  
  
Saotome Genma trudged along the road. So far this evening he had   
been insulted, beat up, rained on, and generally humiliated and   
things weren't exactly looking up. He wished he hadn't told   
Ranma anything. That he had just kept the engagement to a Tendo   
daughter a secret until they were almost there. But Family Honor   
demanded that he tell Ranma why all of a sudden they were headed   
for some place in Japan instead of looking for a cure in China. Of   
course Ranma hadn't liked how Genma kept it a secret from him   
all these years...   
  
Say what you will about sons exceeding their fathers, but Genma   
wasn't particularly pleased at being beaten so thoroughly by   
someone he'd seen in diapers.  
  
Genma's whole body ached.  
  
He would feel better in a day or two, once he had some rest, but   
right now he was wondering if there might be hidden benefits to   
ritualistic suicide he hadn't previously considered. Right now he   
was a panda, and his son was a red-headed girl, and a trip that   
should have taken all of twenty minutes was taking some four   
hours.  
  
"Hey, look at it from MY perspective, Pop," The redhead, argued.   
She was wearing a kimono that was several sizes too large, her   
hands completely covered by the sleeves. She also carried a very   
large backpack. She was drenched from the short shower that   
passed by half an hour ago, but she seemed unfazed by it. She was   
walking extremely slowly, and Genma really just wanted to get to   
the Tendos' so he could sit down and relax. "I thought we were   
going back home to see Mom." Ranma continued, "Instead I find   
out you want me to be engaged to someone I don't even know. Of   
course I'm going to be a little upset."   
  
"Growf." Genma said impatiently, waiting for Ranma to catch up.   
  
The girl reached the panda again making her small, leisurely steps.   
She looked up at him. "I know it's for Family Honor. But wouldn't   
Family Honor be satisfied if we stayed with Mom?" The   
capitalization on the words "family honor" was audible. Several of   
the older folk, who had seen stranger things than pandas walk   
down the streets of Nerima, nodded with respect. They could see   
family honor was something Ranma valued very much.   
  
They didn't know the half of it.  
  
"Growf," was Genma's answer to Ranma's question. He tried to   
convey that the issue was settled and not to pursue it anymore.   
  
Ranma looked past her father at a ramshackle vending booth run   
by a young girl and her mother. "Oh look! They're selling kittens!   
Aren't they cute?" As Ranma passed, the kittens suddenly scurried   
behind their mother, who started hissing.   
  
Genma raised a forepaw to its head and buried his furry forehead   
in it. He realized he had moved a good bit ahead of his child and   
stopped so Ranma could catch up again. "GROWF!" he barked   
impatiently.  
  
"Ah, come on, Pop. You never let me play with the cats!" The   
Panda's eyebrow or rather, the top of his eye patch, twitched as   
Ranma reached him again. "And I'm sorry if I can't keep up with   
you, but if I go any faster, this kimono will be ruined. I am going   
to be engaged after all aren't I?"  
  
Genma started walking hanging his head in shame. Why couldn't   
he have a son that was rude, impatient, and insensitive? Why did   
he have to take after his mother so damned much?  
  
"So tell me something, Pop. Who is it? Do I know the person?"   
  
Genma just kept walking. Didn't his son realize he couldn't talk?   
  
"Is it a boy or a girl?" Ranma suddenly asked.  
  
Genma stopped. He whirled around to see his child, smirking   
mischievously at him.  
  
Ranma chuckled, "Ha! I got you good, there, Pops! Really, I swear   
you have more trouble with my curse than I do!" Ranma walked   
on. She watched a blue butterfly flutter in the air above her. She   
held out her hand for a perch. The butterfly landed on her finger.   
She brought it closed to her face smiling, and then let it go. She   
had taken some twenty steps but she was still no more than a meter   
away from Genma. "Hey I know what we can do to make the time   
go by! Let's sing!"   
  
Genma groaned. Ever since they had stopped by that karaoke bar   
near the docks, Ranma was under the impression that her girl   
side's voice was a wonderful thing she should share with the   
world. Admittedly Ranma could sing rather well, the martial arts   
breathing techniques giving her lots of breath support, but still...  
  
"Yappa pa, yappa pa, ii shan ten!  
Unruly love, like the carp, jumps out of its pond!  
Yappa pa, yappa pa, ii shan ten!  
The ocean breeze from my heart wants you to respond!"  
  
Genma briefly considered simply walking the other direction, but   
of course he couldn't do that to his son. Besides, Family Honor   
wouldn't let him. He clenched his panda jaw as Ranma kept   
singing.  
  
"My world turns dark, and I don't know why.  
Ranma, Ranma, it's all because of you.  
Once we met, that began the end.  
Ranma, Ranma what  
Are we fighting for?  
You're the only one to turn my gray skies blue!"  
  
Of course Ranma loved this song. It had her name in it. Nevermind   
that it was recently voted the most annoying song in Japan...   
Genma had to stop her. Any minute now she was going to start   
dancing. Genma's eyes drifted to the no parking sign he was   
standing next to. He had an idea...  
  
"Why can't you just say the words 'I love you'  
Without destroying the house with your fists?..."  
  
Genma ripped the sign out of the concrete. Just as he feared, his   
son turned daughter was swaying and snapping her fingers to the   
music that wasn't there.  
  
"You know, when you do that, I can't back down.  
You know... it makes me...just like you!"  
  
Ranma reached up to the sky in grandiose fashion preparing to belt   
out her favorite part of the song, the part about the "one-room   
apartment of my heart."  
  
"OH! You never rang, you just became a part,  
Of the one-room..." THUD "URK!"  
  
Genma put the sign back into the concrete and slung his   
unconscious child onto his shoulder.  
  
"Hey that panda just attacked that girl!" one of the onlookers   
exclaimed in astonishment.  
  
"Yeah thank goodness!" his companion replied, "I didn't think   
she'd ever stop!" There were several murmurs of assent.  
  
Genma nodded, picked up Ranma's pack and trudged briskly   
onward, toward the house of his childhood friend. He hoped he   
was doing the right thing...Family Honor was such a tricky thing to   
deal with.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Um, Daddy? You know I like family time as much as the next   
girl, but can we go back to our rooms now? My feet fell asleep   
about an hour ago and I want to make sure they're still attached..."   
Nabiki, age 17, Soun Tendo's middle daughter asked.  
  
Soun had somehow managed to doze off, leaning against the   
doorway of the engawa as dusk settled in Nerima. He woke up   
with a comical snort at Nabiki's question. "It was the Master, dear   
I swear! Huh? Oh... Nabiki, my daughter. Please be patient. My   
friend is sure to be here any moment."  
  
"Honestly Dad, you said that almost two hours ago!" Akane, age   
16, Soun Tendo's youngest daughter argued.  
  
"The postcard said he was coming. In all the time I've known him,   
Saotome has lied to many, but he always told the truth to me. He is   
coming." Soun folded his arms in finality, which would have been   
more impressive if he hadn't done the same thing ten times before.  
  
"Yes, but Father, did the postcard say *when* the Saotomes would   
be coming?" Kasumi, age 19, a pink and purple polka-dotted   
pygmy sasquatch with eight arms and a pleasant disposition, asked   
politely.  
  
"Hmm..." Soun thought seriously about his eldest daughter's   
question before answering, "now that you mention it, I don't think   
it did!"  
  
Akane practically growled, "You mean we've been sitting here all   
this time and THEY MIGHT NOT EVEN SHOW UP?"  
  
Soun turned back toward the sunset. "I suppose it IS a possibility,"   
he admitted. The scene outside was so beautiful he felt inspired...  
  
A panda postcard  
The sun's red-violet death  
I am so happy  
  
Soun didn't see the scene behind him of Kasumi using four of her   
arms to restrain Akane from committing patricide.  
  
Nabiki rolled her eyes and stood up unsteadily, stomping her feet   
on the floor. There was an odd noise from the front entrance of the   
house. "Oooh, that must be Ranma!" Nabiki exclaimed almost not   
quite sarcastically. She stomped to the front entrance in her   
kimono.   
  
Some five seconds later, she came running back into the living   
room. Not because she was particularly scared of the large panda   
that was making its way into the house; Kasumi, with her eight   
arms, primal features, pink fur, and conservative clothing was   
scarier that any panda could hope to be. She was running because   
the kimono-clad girl on the panda's shoulder was singing THAT   
song. Very loudly. And Nabiki wasn't completely certain that she   
was going to stop.  
  
"Yappa pa, Yappa pa, ryan shan ten!  
A stolen kiss from your lips is sunlight in the rain  
Yappa pa, Yappa pa, ryan shan ten!  
A gust of love, the spice of live, the end of the refrain..."  
  
The panda limped up to Soun picked the girl of its shoulder and set   
her down in front of him.   
  
"So Father," Asked Kasumi, one hand on her father's shoulder,   
one hand to her lips in consternation, two others scratching her   
sides and the remaining four clasped in front of her apron almost   
cutely, "is this your friend?"  
  
"Mmm mmm mmm MMM!" Soun shook his head through the   
singing.   
  
"Every time that you stare at me  
Ranma, Ranma things start to spin around..."  
Ranma continued the song acting out the meanings of the words in   
pantomime.  
  
"Oh GODS will someone make the girl stop!" Nabiki groaned.  
  
"'I love you' is what I want to hear...  
Ranma, Ranma dear-  
Wait a minute here!  
I thought I wanted to keep my options free!"  
Ranma knelt on the ground and raised her hands in fanfare to her   
less than impressed audience.  
  
"It is somehow appropriate though don't you think?" Kasumi   
noted.  
  
Soun wondered how it was that this pretty girl in kimono had   
befriended a panda and trained it to walk on its hind legs and carry   
her around. He also wondered why she had barged into his home   
unannounced. Then he remembered his eldest daughter...The girl   
no doubt had a long story to tell about both counts. "May I ask   
what your name is, miss?"   
  
"Oh hi there! Name's Ranma! Saotome Ranma! Go easy on me   
kay?" the girl vigorously shook Soun's hand, released him, and   
then bowed deeply.  
  
"Erm, yes, I am Tendo Soun and this is my family." Soun gestured   
to his daughters, "Please...go easy on us as well." Soun spoke   
blankly. "Your father wouldn't happen to be Saotome Genma   
would he?"  
  
"Yep! That's Pop! He's the panda." The girl cocked a thumb in the   
rather tired looking panda's direction.  
  
Soun was waiting for a good opportunity to faint, but he was too   
confused. Genma was the panda?   
  
"Look," Ranma said catching the Tendos' confusion, "Family   
Honor demands that I must tell all of you a few things, and its best   
if I just show you." Ranma looked at her audience for a moment   
smiling. "You there, with the pretty pink fur, what's your name?"  
  
"Kasumi," the eight-armed pigmy sasquatch replied.  
  
"Oh that's a pretty name! How do you do? I was just wondering if   
you could get me two cups of water, one steaming hot, the other   
cold."  
  
"Certainly, Ranma-chan, I'd be happy to!" Kasumi hurried off to   
the kitchen to get what Ranma asked for.  
  
"Now then," Ranma continued, "Like I said, I am Saotome Ranma,   
and Saotome Genma is my pop. Which means I'm engaged to one   
of you..."  
  
"What do you mean engaged? You're a girl!" Surprisingly, this   
outburst came from Nabiki and not Akane.   
  
"I'll explain that in a second, but first, neither of you want to be   
engaged to me at the moment right?"  
  
Both Nabiki and Akane shook there heads.   
  
"Tendo-sama, are these all your children?"  
  
"No," Soun said resolutely, "my eldest daughter is in the kitchen."  
  
"Oh! She's your daughter too? I'm sorry! It's just she doesn't look   
anything like you. Except maybe in the eyes..." Ranma stared at   
Soun for a while, "But anyway, Tendo-sama. Do you agree that   
maybe the engagement should be called off? These two don't seem   
to like the idea and I'm guessing Kasumi will feel the same way."  
  
Soun almost nodded, but then stopped himself, "No. I refuse to call   
it off. It was an agreement I made under my honor as a martial   
artist, to the only true friend I've ever known other than my...my...   
wife." Soun started to get misty but he swallowed and continued,   
"The engagement will just have to be postponed until a Saotome   
and a Tendo can be suitably matched."  
  
"Oh okay. So do you mind telling me what you mean by 'suitable'   
exactly? I mean YOU wouldn't want to marry me right?"  
  
Soun's eyes bulged as he realized he had fallen into a trap. He   
COULD satisfy the agreement by marrying the girl, but that wasn't   
what he wanted at all. He could say there was too much of an age   
difference but in Japan that really wasn't that big a deal. He might   
as well drag his word as a martial artist through the mud. But if he   
married her...  
  
Nabiki smirked. Maybe the girl wasn't so bad after all...assuming   
she wasn't serious. She shuddered.   
  
"GROWF!" the panda exclaimed stepping between Ranma and   
Soun. "Growf growf growf GROWF!"  
  
"Aw, Pop doesn't seem to like that idea, Tendo-sama." Ranma said   
leaning seductively up against Soun, "too bad, I think you're kind   
of..."  
  
"GROWF!" Genma said, though the sound was somewhat more   
akin to a lion being throttled by a giant squid while sacrificial   
lambs are shoved down its throat.  
  
Ranma turned around and laughed pointing at her father "I   
REALLY got you that time, pops! I'm not at all interested. I'm just   
saying he's handsome. And judging by how pretty his daughters   
are, his wife must have been really beautiful."  
  
Soun wasn't sure how to take this. On one hand the compliments   
were going to his head, on the other, there were implications   
behind them that were contradictory and not altogether pleasant.   
Fainting was looking more and more like a good idea...  
  
Kasumi came just in time with four glasses of alternately steaming   
and cold water. "Here you go Ranma-chan! I got some more in   
case you needed it."  
  
"Thanks, Kasumi-chan, that's great." Ranma took one of the   
steaming cups and upended it over her...his head.  
  
Soun fainted.  
  
"Oh, say by the way, would you like to be engaged to me?" Ranma   
asked Kasumi.  
  
"Wh...wha?" the sasquatch was dumbfounded.  
  
"Well you're a Tendo right? I think you're pretty...how about we   
get engaged? I wouldn't mind and it would satisfy Family Honor."  
  
"S..sure Ranma."  
  
"Really?" Ranma asked clasping two of Kasumi's furry hands in   
his own, "That's awesome! Now everyone's happy!"  
  
"Oh my!" exclaimed Kasumi. She would have blushed... except   
she was already pink.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Why don't you fight me?" Akane demanded angrily of the   
pigtailed boy in front of her. Ranma had, since engaging himself to   
Kasumi, changed into a girl, back into a guy again and then into a   
martial arts gi, explaining that he felt like a workout and asking if   
he could use their dojo. Akane's father was still unconscious and   
she was still in her gi so she had decided to ask the sex-changing   
pervert to spar with her. Beating the little man bitch up would   
relieve some stress. But the bastard wasn't taking any of her hits!   
He wasn't even blocking!  
  
"What do you mean, Akane? I AM fighting you!" Ranma ducked   
under one of Akane's errant blows.  
  
"No you're NOT! You're just dodging around!"  
  
"Well duh!" Ranma replied crossing his eyes, "if I don't dodge I'll   
get hit!"  
  
"You could attack you know. I can take it."  
  
"Um... okay... I'm going to kick you in the stomach then, how's   
that?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Ranma kicked Akane in the stomach. Akane fell to the ground   
sucking in breath and writhing in pain.  
  
"Why didn't you dodge that?" Ranma asked, genuinely perplexed.  
  
"I... wasn't expecting... you to call...your move out!" Akane   
protested.  
  
"That's a Saotome tradition! It's only fair you give your opponent   
time to prepare. Not calling out your attack when you start a fight   
upsets Family Honor." Ranma said matter-of-factly, crossing his   
arms.  
  
"But what if you're fighting for real?" Akane asked.  
  
"I don't know what you mean. I would never fight someone who   
wasn't prepared to fight."  
  
"But what if he WAS?"  
  
"Then I would scarcely need to call out my attacks, then would I?"   
Ranma replied, "And there's no reason to say 'he'. it could just as   
easily be a girl, you know."  
  
"How do you figure?"   
  
"Well, recently, most of the people I've fought have been girls..."  
  
"I KNEW it! You're a sadistic perverted FREAK!" Just like every   
other boy, Akane added mentally  
  
Ranma blinked. Then he snapped his fingers. "Hey! You know   
what? I think you got the wrong idea somehow! Let me see if I can   
explain. It's really a funny story..."  
  
Akane crossed her arms and gave Ranma her best Nabiki brand I-  
don't-believe-a-word-you're-saying look.  
  
"Okay so after all that business with Jusenkyo and me trying to   
calm Pops down—you'd think he thought I was dead or   
something!—and finding out about the curse not being   
permanent... Anyway after all that, Pops and I were REALLY   
starving. And the guide we were with, he mentions this place   
nearby named Nyuuchezutswun. Well it turns out   
Nyuuchezutswun means Amazon village, and the Amazons there   
were holding this tournament and first prize was—get this—an   
entire banquet table full of every type of food you can think of! So   
I ask the guide if I can..."  
  
"Let me guess" Akane interrupted, "You challenged the winner of   
the tournament for the prize, you won and the entire village was so   
impressed with your prowess that they invited you to join them and   
learn from them."  
  
"Um, well...INITIALLY Shampoo—she's the one I challenged--  
vowed to hunt me to the ends of the Earth and kill me, but after we   
worked that out, yes that's more or less what happened," Ranma   
admitted.  
  
"Honestly, you could at least offer a better excuse than some   
overused male fantasy of big-breasted Amazonion bimbos falling   
over themselves to teach you their savage ways."  
  
"How'd you know they had big breasts?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Look, you ignorant prick, I happen to know something about this.   
The most likely candidates for Amazons were the Berbers of Libya   
and they were all conquered in 700AD during the first Arab   
invasion. There aren't any Amazons in China, and if there were   
they wouldn't have big breasts because they burn them off. They   
get in the way of archery."  
  
"Well yeah that's what they did before they migrated to China and   
started experimenting with the magic from the Jusenkyo springs.   
Everyone over there's worried they may have to move again if the   
Chinese government doesn't loosen up." Ranma looked thoughtful   
for a moment, "You'd probably like it over there. They really are   
big on history. Cheongsam are the fashion now, but about once a   
year they do this weird ceremony where the elders wear these   
pointy hats and speak Greek. They call it the 'Fall of Kahina' or   
some such thing. It's almost creepy really."  
  
Akane's jaw went slack. Kahina was a historic Berber woman who   
resisted the Arab invasion...and evidence showed that Amazons   
DID wear pointed hats on occasion...How did Ranma know these   
things unless... No. It had to be some kind of trick. Ranma   
probably read up on Amazons and then concocted an entire   
storyline so he could brag about it later. "Look, I don't know what   
scrolls or whatnot you've been reading but your story just doesn't   
make sense. Why would a girl swear to kill you and then accept   
you into her tribe?"  
  
"Well I was female when I defeated her. By Amazon law, as soon   
as I defeated her she was responsible for my death. The thing is an   
outsider woman who defeats an Amazon is automatically part of   
the tribe. Its kind of funny but being responsible for my death,   
meant Shampoo had to make sure that I did not die except by her   
own hand. If I had run away she would have tried to kill me, so she   
could end the geas quickly, but since I stayed in the tribe and its   
unlawful to use lethal maneuvers against a fellow Amazon in the   
village without issuing a challenge, she actually ended up   
protecting me part of the time."   
  
Ranma gave a short chuckle, "Of course I didn't know that at the   
time. The guide we were with wanted to hightail it out of there and   
I almost went too, but I figured if we ran away we'd just have to   
deal with the problem later anyway, and I was thinking maybe the   
Amazons had their own kind of Family Honor. And I can certainly   
understand acting a little strange if it's for Family Honor."  
  
"So what did you do?" asked Akane feigning interest as a plan   
formed in her brain.  
  
"I performed the Giri Mouko Taosu."  
  
"Family Honor Strikes Down Fierce Tiger?"   
  
"Well Pops originally called it the Mouko Rakuchi-sei, but that   
wasn't really accurate and since Pops and I both developed it into   
an art in its own right, we decided to change the name."  
  
Akane nodded seriously and then aimed a front snap kick toward   
Ranma's chin. It would have been thoroughly satisfying to see the   
tip of the arrogant asshole's tongue arcing out his mouth and   
trailing bright red blood as it flew on its trajectory to the floor...but   
unfortunately Ranma leaned back almost to the floor at the last   
moment and flipped away from Akane. "Fight me, you jerk!"   
Akane screamed in exasperation.  
  
Once Ranma was back on his feet he continued speaking as if he   
were merely changing the subject. "You know, you probably ought   
to learn the Giri Mouko Taosu. I think you could find it really   
useful. Would you like me to show you the basic form?"  
  
Akane cocked her head at Ranma. How long had she wanted her   
father to teach her something new? How long had he refused,   
saying he couldn't bear to subject his daughter to the training he   
had endured? And now finally, here was someone willing to teach   
her a new technique! Of course he was a boy, and so he probably   
expected Akane to go on a date with him afterwards but if she   
could grow as a martial artist then maybe she could stand it just   
this once, even if he was a womanizing, sex changing, perverted   
freak of nature. "Um... okay sure." Akane smiled.  
  
"You know, you're kind of cute when you smile..." Ranma   
smirked.   
  
Akane stopped smiling immediately. She didn't want this asshole   
to think she liked him. Gods, the last thing she needed was another   
Kuno.  
  
Ranma frowned. "Look, it was just a compliment okay? I'm not   
trying to get in bed with you or anything. I just think it's a shame   
you scowl so much when you have a cute smile like that."  
  
"I would NEVER get in bed with someone as perverted as you!"   
Akane declared. That this "wild stallion" would even think of such   
things proved he was more perverted than any of the boys at   
school. Maybe even more than Kuno.  
  
Ranma shrugged Akane's comment off. "The first basic kata of the   
Giri Mouko Taosu is fairly simple to learn, but difficult to   
master..."  
  
Akane calmed herself into her student mode. She was a good   
student. She got all A's in school and she could answer any   
teacher's question. She valued knowledge with just as much vigor   
as her sister Nabiki...although it wasn't the same KIND of   
knowledge. Yes this boy-girl man-freak that barged into her home   
and started bossing people around deserved to be beaten   
thoroughly, but on the off chance that he...she...IT had anything to   
teach her...she would bear it a few moments longer.  
  
"First," Ranma continued, seeing that he had Akane's attention, "   
You stand in the Yoi position, feet shoulder-width apart..."  
  
"I KNOW what the Yoi position is, Ranma!" Akane snapped as   
her calm evaporated.  
  
"Um... well okay but you're doing it all wrong."  
  
"What do you mean?!" To say that Akane didn't know the Yoi, or   
ready position was like accusing someone of not breathing   
correctly. She had learned it when she was a baby for crying out   
loud! Akane was so surprised at Ranma's gall she didn't have   
enough time to be properly pissed.  
  
"Well, you're too tense for one thing. There's no way you'd be   
ready for an attack with how stiff you are. And one thing you   
should NEVER do is lock your knees up like that. I could break   
both of them in two seconds if I wanted to, besides you don't have   
much balance that way."  
  
Akane realized Ranma was right. She forced herself to relax into   
the proper position, the position she had known since childhood   
and could reach even if blinded.   
  
"Yeah, that's much better... except your feet are a little too far   
apart and your fists aren't tight enough..."  
  
Akane growled but made the necessary adjustments.  
  
"Oh and you're not breathing correctly. Your breaths are too short   
and shallow, like you're angry at me or something. You need to   
take nice deep, even breaths..."  
  
Akane grimaced and forced herself to calm down again. She could   
stand this humility a little longer if it meant learning something...   
but she sincerely hoped it was worth it. Sixteen was too young an   
age to be convicted of homicide. She was in perfect form now.   
Saotome had distracted her before, but now she was flawless....  
  
"Okay," Ranma said, hesitantly, "I guess that's good enough for   
now...but really you need to..." Ranma read Akane's expression.   
"Uh never mind... The next move is a little tricky. Bend your knees   
as far as possible and raise on the balls of your feet so you're kind   
of sitting on your heels."  
  
Akane did as Ranma directed. "What is this supposed to..."  
  
"From this position you can jump full force into the air at a   
moments notice, letting you attack or dodge someone else's   
attack."  
  
Akane fell on her ass.  
  
"Also, it helps with balance," Ranma said with a smirk.  
  
Akane got back up onto the balls of her feet. She was just a little   
surprised... that was all. She had plenty of balance. She beat up all   
those boys at school didn't she? She beat Kuno all the time didn't   
she? She had balance up the wazoo.  
  
Akane fell on her ass again.  
  
"Don't worry bout it," Ranma said. "When I first learned that   
position I fell too. It isn't quite like most balancing where it's side   
to side. It's forward or back." Ranma looked away smiling. "Of   
course, I was six at the time..."  
  
Akane decided that she absolutely and unequivocally hated   
Saotome Ranma. The boy bitch must be some insidious beast from   
one of the more unpleasant hells. This treatment just wasn't fair.   
She could do that position no problem, but Ranma made her so   
angry...  
  
"Let's go on to the next position. That one's easy. Just bring your   
knees to the ground and sit like your having tea or something. Just   
make sure you're still supported by the balls of your feet."  
  
Akane did as her ad hoc sensei asked. "How's this supposed be   
any good in a fight?"   
  
"Well you're right, you can't attack too easily from this position,   
but here it's not so much mobility as defense and distraction. You   
wouldn't expect an opponent to sit down in front of you in the   
middle of a fight would you? Besides, you got full use of your   
hands and you can always raise your knees into position two or go   
on to the next position and push off into a flip."  
  
Akane took a tortured breath. "Okay what's the next position?"  
  
"That's the most important position. What I'm about to tell you is   
the most important move I ever learned and it's saved my hide   
plenty of times."  
  
"What is it already!"  
  
"Okay, raise your arms straight up in the air."  
  
Akane did so feeling a little stupid "Okay."  
  
"Now lower your hands and upper torso to the ground and say   
you're sorry."  
  
Akane's head jerked up. "NANI?"  
  
"Go on, say you're sorry. Better yet you could say something like   
'Saotome Ranma, please forgive me for calling you a perverted   
freak and for trying to hurt you during what was supposed to be a   
friendly spar.'"  
  
"The hell I will!" Akane got back onto her feet.  
  
"Well it's up to you really," Ranma shrugged, "But the more   
specific to the situation the better. Gives your opponent the idea   
that you truly understand what it was you did wrong and that you   
aren't going do it any more."  
  
"I didn't do anything wrong!"  
  
Ranma looked confused. "I'm sorry, Akane, I haven't made myself   
clear. What you did WAS wrong. Now normally it wouldn't   
matter. I don't take insults from ignorant people very seriously   
anymore, but I..."  
  
"I'm not ignorant!" Akane raised a fist at Ranma.  
  
"Um...okay. I guess maybe you're in a bad mood or something and   
it's making you stupid. But that really doesn't matter. Anyway like   
I was saying...I intend to marry your sister. That makes us family.   
If you keep insulting me and attacking me out of anger its going to   
upset Family Honor and I don't think either one of us wants that."  
  
"Fuck family honor!" Akane said and a unleashed a haymaker in   
Ranma's general direction that the boy easily avoided. Akane was   
caught however by the curiously sad and frightened expression on   
Ranma's face.  
  
"You *really* shouldn't have said that," he said.  
  
Then Akane heard an awful growling sound behind her...  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"So, Kasumi, that strange man sitting with Daddy in the living   
room...that's Mr. Saotome?" Nabiki asked her older sister, holding   
the curtain above the entrance to the kitchen over her head with her   
hand.  
  
"Yes...would you let Akane know she can take her bath now?"   
Kasumi was efficiently making dinner with all eight of her arms.   
  
Nabiki was always amazed at how she could keep track of   
everything her arms were doing. So often in Nabiki's business the   
left arm didn't know what the right was doing much less whatever   
any other limbs might be up to. Nabiki grimaced as she realized   
she had thought of an extremely bad pun. Returning from her short   
reverie she said, "Oh Akane's fighting Ranma right now. You   
know how she is."  
  
"Yes, I do wish she'd stop being so violent."  
  
"Kasumi...why did you say yes?" Nabiki asked.  
  
Kasumi's simian features curved in a wistful smile, and she paused   
over her cooking. "I don't know really. I just saw something in   
him... somehow I feel he's a kindred spirit. I feel like I could talk   
to him about anything, and he would understand." Kasumi started   
cooking again but at a slower, pensive pace.  
  
"But...don't you think you should get to know him first? He   
seemed pretty sharp and all and he IS pretty cute, but you never   
know about people..."  
  
"Nabiki...I can't explain it but I know he's right for me. I've never   
been so sure before in my life."  
  
"But..." Nabiki tried to think of how best to word what she was   
about to say. "Well, sis, I really hate to point this out...and you   
know it doesn't make you any less of a person but...well...you   
ARE a pink, polka-dotted, eight-armed, pygmy sasquatch...don't   
you think that might cause problems?"  
  
"Oh, Nabiki, you're just jealous you didn't say yes when you had   
the chance." Kasumi smiled and continued cooking.  
  
"Yeah..." Nabiki muttered, "That was it...I'm sorry for bothering   
you." And with that, the middle Tendo daughter left the kitchen,   
and walked to the stairs.  
  
Nabiki could never figure out her older sister. At the same moment   
she seemed completely oblivious to what was going on.... she   
could also have such sharp insight it was frightening.  
  
Nabiki WAS a little jealous. Even she hadn't realized it though. It   
would be so much fun having a boyfriend like Ranma, who could   
also be a girl, who actually had some intelligence, who was cute...   
If he only had money he'd be perfect. But even there...did she   
really want to marry into money? No, not really. She had to be the   
bread winner. She wouldn't be able to stand it any other way.   
Ranma was a great catch and she had let him slip by.   
  
What Nabiki was having the toughest time with, though, was the   
feeling she had that Ranma would be wasted on Kasumi. As much   
as she loved her sister, and she did love her, there was still some   
part of her that screamed she was not human. Nabiki had no idea   
before tonight that this part of her existed. It sickened her.  
  
She plodded upstairs to her room. She opened her closet. And   
crouched down to a wicker chest. She opened it with a painful   
creak. There, gleaming in the light was her salvation. All she had   
to do was stick it in her mouth and pull and then all her troubles   
would go away.   
  
She picked it up, marveling at its feel, at how something so simple   
could have such awesome power. She put it into her mouth closing   
her eyes imagining what it was going to feel like to have a foreign   
object coursing through her body at such an awesome speed. She   
took a breath...and pulled.  
  
The bag of potato chips now open, Nabiki stuck her hand inside   
and greedily inhaled some twenty chips before finally calming   
down.   
  
With such golden crispy goodness in the world, even having   
jealous thoughts of a primate's fiancé isn't all that bad.  
  
Between chips, Nabiki heard several thuds and the sounds of   
screaming coming from the dojo.  
  
Well, she thought, popping another chip in her mouth, might as   
well see what that's about.   
  
She was at the door about to head downstairs when she stopped,   
popped another chip, and got her camera.   
  
There really is nothing quite like potato chips and espionage to   
soothe the nerves.  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Tendo Soun looked at his friend Saotome Genma, tears streaming   
down his face.  
  
Saotome Genma looked at his friend Tendo Soun, tears streaming   
down his face.  
  
"The life of a true martial artist is fraught with peril." Soun sobbed   
looking off into the darkness.  
  
"You don't know the half of it, Tendo." Genma declared.   
  
"There's more?" Soun asked, incredulous.  
  
"Yes, the worst is still to come."  
  
"What could be worse than to have a son who's a girl half the time,   
who's a better martial artist than you are but acts like an annoying   
brat?"  
  
"I know, it seems impossible, but it's true. There is something   
much, much worse."  
  
"What is it, Saotome?"  
  
"Family Honor," Genma said and then broke into a fresh onslaught   
of sobs himself.  
  
"I don't understand...You mean that crazy deal you made with   
your wife that you'd kill yourself if you didn't make Ranma a man   
among men?"  
  
"No... it's worse than that..."  
  
"You mean the contract you signed with your Uncle Jiro that you'd   
give Ranma over to him on his eighteenth birthday so he could   
perform genetic experiments on a human host?"  
  
"No...it's worse."  
  
"You can't mean that time you sent a lock of Ranma's hair to your   
cousin in Australia so he could practice mind control using a   
digeridoo?"  
  
"No," Genma laughed, "that was a joke."  
  
"Well then, Saotome, what is it?"  
  
Genma remained silent.  
  
"Come now, it can't be that bad..."  
  
Genma gave Soun a nice long baleful look. "Have you ever heard   
of a technique called the Nekoken?"  
  
"No, can't say that I have."  
  
"It can only be taught to adolescents on the first onset of puberty."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"There's a greater amount of psychic energy then due to all the   
hormones. I imagine if you gave enough supplemental drugs to   
someone they could learn the technique too but that's kind of   
dangerous. You remember what happened to the master..."  
  
Soun shuddered. "Yes. He was such a nice old man before..."   
  
"Anyway you take the student, you cover him in fish paste or some   
other fish material and you blind fold him, tie him up so he can't   
move and throw him into a pit of starving house cats."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"That's it. That's how the student learns the technique. You keep   
doing it again and again until they learn the Nekoken."  
  
"I don't understand. Even given the psychic energy part I don't see   
how house cats could be used in any kind of training."  
  
"Well the idea is to cause the subject to develop a phobia to them."  
  
"How could anyone be afraid of a cat? Tigers I could understand.   
I'm a little afraid of tigers myself. Or lions...but plain old felix   
domesticus?"  
  
"Actually there are quite a few people who have a phobia to cats.   
It's called ailurophobia..."  
  
"Well a little superstition I can understand. I mean I get a little   
anxious when I see a black cat and I could see how that could   
generalize into all cats, but I do not see how taking a bath in cats   
could induce a phobia."  
  
"You aren't listening. The cats are hungry. They've been starved   
for days. You cover the subject in fish paste THEN throw him in   
the pit."  
  
"Saotome, have you ever seen a house cat eat?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Would you describe the act as being particularly voracious?"   
  
"Well no...."  
  
"I don't care how much you starve a cat, Saotome they're still   
going to be as dainty as hypersensitive French women with   
electrodes up their asses."  
  
"But they scratch a lot..."  
  
"Oh yes they DO scratch. And the scratches are so severe   
sometimes it takes a whole DAY for them to heal! Good grief,   
Saotome what are you smoking? There's only two dangers you   
have from house cats assuming they ARE house cats and they   
don't have rabies or anything of the sort. They can scratch out   
someone's eye, or they can smother them in their sleep. As long as   
you keep a blindfold on the subject and check on him from time to   
time he should be fine. In fact, I'll bet you on that. I know a kid,   
bout eleven or twelve, comes around every now and then wanting   
to learn martial arts. He won't leave me alone... I bet if we used   
this training method absolutely nothing would happen."  
  
Genma gave his best "Is that your final answer" look and   
continued "Well...anyway as I was saying I put Ranma through the   
Nekoken training..."  
  
"What? You put your own son through that torture?"  
  
"Yes, I was telling you about Family Honor."  
  
"I thought you changed the subject... Saotome, that's pretty cold   
putting your son through that. I could never do that to my   
daughters."  
  
"But you just said that it was harmless!"  
  
"For a student sure, but the idea that you would subject your own   
flesh and blood willingly to the claws of hungry beasts... I don't   
know..."  
  
Genma sighed... "Ranma is my son but he is also the heir to the   
school of Anything Goes. I felt I had to train him hard to make him   
strong."  
  
"Well your son is a boy...I guess it's okay. I'd never train my   
babies that hard though. I taught each of them just enough for self   
defense and that's it. That's all they need to know."  
  
If Genma had just found out Soun was an extraterrestrial being   
with a meter long proboscis that could suck souls out people's   
bodies and was in the habit of implanting them in poultry, Genma   
would not have been more surprised. The entire point of the   
marriage was to unite the two schools. If Soun hadn't taught his   
branch of the school to his daughters then the Tendo family claim   
was worthless. There were so many other engagements that Genma   
could have let happen...that Kuonji girl, the Noodle cook's   
daughter, and especially the Amazon...all of them were to be   
trained or already were trained in some form of the Art, but Genma   
backed Ranma out of each of them thinking surely Tendo had   
trained his daughters in Anything Goes, that they would be the best   
match, and that one of them would marry Ranma and teach the Art   
to their children and the Art would continue forever.   
  
Soun screwed that plan right up.  
  
Ranma's infatuation with the monkey had to be a joke. Genma had   
intended to get his son to choose Akane somehow, but now to   
know she wasn't a master of the Art? The entire engagement had   
to be called off. Still he was Soun's friend. How could he stop the   
engagement without going against his friend's wishes or more   
importantly, Family Honor?   
  
Postcards.  
  
Yes, all he had to do was send postcards to all the other fiancées,   
letting them know where Ranma was. They would end up fighting   
each other and the strongest... Yes this would work! It was perfect!   
In fact, it would have been a good idea even if Soun HAD trained   
his girls. And to sweeten it, he could continually force Ranma and   
the Tendo girls together, which would of course only drive them   
further apart, but Soun wouldn't know that. The only problem was   
Ranma himself. And of course Family Honor. Genma had a feeling   
they wouldn't cooperate.  
  
"So," Soun spoke interrupting Genma's thoughts, "You were   
saying something about family honor?"  
  
"Yes. You see...you must understand that I told many stories of   
samurai to the boy. Ranma loved them, but he was always   
particularly interested in the stories about family honor. A   
concubine would have to kill herself to appease family honor, a   
samurai would banish himself from the empire so that family   
honor could be satisfied, and there were other stories I told him.   
About how one family would rule over the others because they had   
family honor while the others did not. What I did not realize as I   
told these stories is that Ranma did not quite understand what I was   
talking about."  
  
"How do you mean?"  
  
"Ranma somehow came to the conclusion that Family Honor was   
the name of a very large, vicious, and invisible dog."  
  
"Kids are funny like that."  
  
"Heh heh...yeah...funny."  
  
Just then, Soun and Genma heard a loud sharp scream come from   
the dojo followed by a series of alarmingly loud thuds.   
  
"What was that!" Soun exclaimed.  
  
"That would be Family Honor getting acquainted with your   
daughter Akane." Genma said.  
  
Soun started to get up but Genma grabbed Soun's arm tightly.   
  
"Don't," Genma cautioned, "You'll only make things worse."  
  
"But my baby!"  
  
"Akane will be fine as long as she performs the Giri Mouko   
Taosu."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What?"  
  
"As long as she says she's sorry, she'll be fine."  
  
Soun shot to his feet, his face ashen. "She'll be killed..."  
  
"No, she'll be okay. Don't worry."  
  
"I hardly think a large vicious dog is going to be careful with my   
baby."  
  
"No she'll be fine. The most she'll get is a few scars."  
  
Soun looked incredulous.  
  
"You see what was supposed to happen was that the cats would   
awaken Ranma's Id and it would gather ki around itself until it   
could manifest as something semi-corporeal, an extension of   
Ranma's body that could still react with the environment." Genma   
explained. "The problem is that instead of regressing to a primal   
state, Ranma called upon what he saw as a righteous if ruthless   
savior. Instead of the power coalescing around Ranma's Id, it   
coalesced about his Superego which for some reason Ranma drove   
out of himself."  
  
"So in other words, any time Ranma is witness to something he   
deems morally reprehensible Family Honor punishes the wrong   
doer?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmm... Akane has a very similar condition, except it involves a   
large wooden mallet."  
  
"How do you suppose that happened?"  
  
"I'm afraid Akane never quite understood the culinary arts. She got   
the completely wrong idea about what it meant to 'tenderize'. Then   
in Junior high she started having trouble with boys..."  
  
"Tendo, did we ever have any paranormal projections of our moral   
selves when we were teenagers?"  
  
"Not that I recall, Saotome."  
  
Genma shook his head and sighed as Akane's screams rose in   
pitch. "Kids these days..."  
  
"Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm." Soun nodded sagely.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, back in the dojo...  
  
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAA  
AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAArrrrrgghhh!" Akane seemed to say   
as she was spun around the dojo rapidly by a giant invisible canine.  
  
Nabiki watched, amused, as she munched on some potato chips   
and snapped a few photos.  
  
Ranma cupped his hands and yelled to Akane. "Just say you're   
sorry! That's all you have to do!"  
  
"NEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEVeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEER!"  
  
Just as Akane finished her fifteenth revolution, Kasumi entered the   
dojo and called out, "Akane! Ranma! Dinner is almost ready! You   
can take your baths now!"  
  
Almost instantly, Akane was released allowing her to fly toward   
the wall at great speed. The wall desperately tried to stop Akane   
but she was a stubborn girl and broke right through, landing in the   
koi pond. This would have been impossible, as the pond was on the   
other side of the house, except for the intervention of a tree which   
caught Akane, bent backwards, and released her as if it were the   
second baseman in a peculiar game of baseball. Why the tree did   
this is the subject of much debate among the sentient squirrels of   
the area, but since no one pays much attention to them, their   
opinion hardly matters in the overall scheme of things.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi exclaimed, "I hope Akane is all right."  
  
"I'm sure she is, Kasumi. Still...Hey Nabs you think you could   
check on Akane?" Ranma asked Nabiki.  
  
"Nabs...." Nabiki muttered. Then she shrugged, popped a chip in   
her mouth, and left to witness the aftermath.  
  
"Akane will probably be fine, Kasumi." Ranma assured his   
fiancée. Family Honor used to kill all sorts of people, but it's less   
violent now." Ranma eyed the Akane-shaped hole in the wall "I   
tried to warn her, but she wouldn't listen."  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid Akane-chan never cared for Family Honor..."   
Kasumi sighed, "She's a little stubborn but otherwise she's a good   
girl."  
  
"Yeah, I saw that a little bit. How'd she get that way?"  
  
"She had a few bad experiences in Junior High, and there is this   
older boy named Kuno...but I think really it started when Mother   
died. I think Akane took it harder than any of us."  
  
"That's rough. I didn't really get a chance to know my mother. If it   
wasn't for Family Honor, I'd probably be just like Akane."  
  
Kasumi nodded sadly. "It's strange...you're the first person I've   
ever met who cares so much about Family Honor. Most people   
think it's dead."  
  
"I know. Most people don't worry about it 'till it bites them in the   
ass." And with that, the two of them walked out of the dojo,   
holding hands.   
  
~~~~~*~~~~~~  
  
Akane was floating face down in the koi pond. A red cloud of   
blood curled away from her, irritating the fish.  
  
Nabiki popped another potato chip in her mouth.  
  
Apparently Akane was dead.   
  
Nabiki snapped a photo. Maybe she could get some money from   
the newspapers.  
  
Nabiki sighed. "Oh well." She poured the last crumbs of potato   
chips in her mouth and then shoved the empty bag into her shorts   
pocket so she could throw it in the trash later. Then she got into the   
water and with an almost clinical efficiency she dragged Akane   
out.   
  
She felt the side of Akane's neck, put a hand a couple of   
centimeters away from her mouth, then pinched the nose and   
wiggled a little. She sighed. "I'm never going to live this down you   
know..." and with that Nabiki kissed Akane.  
  
Almost immediately after Nabiki's brief bout with lesbian   
incestual necrophilia, Akane started spurting out water. Nabiki   
turned her little sister's head to the side and waited.   
  
Akane slowly turned her head up. "N-N-Nabiki? You...saved my   
life!" she exclaimed, breaking through Nabiki's line of thought.   
  
There weren't any potato chips left. All of a sudden Nabiki   
desperately needed them as her emotions threatened to well up.   
Quickly she thought of her options...She could either A. Hug her   
sister and tell her how she was so worried and didn't want that to   
happen again so please stop doing this stupid martial arts crap. B.   
Cry incoherently or C....  
  
Nabiki smirked and held her hand out. "That will be 5,000 yen."  
  
Whew. That was close.  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"No, I'm telling you, Nabs, Akane was in no real danger. Family   
Honor would not have allowed her to drown. If you hadn't been   
there, she would've gotten out of that pond on her own." Ranma   
assured resolutely.  
  
"No real danger? Saotome she's a completely different person!"  
  
"Um...she is?" Ranma looked confused.  
  
After Nabiki brought her inside she had done some tests. "How   
many fingers?" Nabiki had asked.  
  
"Three fingers!" Akane had replied.  
  
"And who is this?" Nabiki had asked pointing at Kasumi.  
  
"Big sister Kasumi!"  
  
"And this?"   
  
"Daddy!"  
  
"And this?"  
  
"My dear Uncle Saotome!"  
  
Nabiki knew something was wrong, but it was unconfirmed until   
Akane had followed Kasumi happily into the kitchen. As if she   
weren't Akane, destroyer of kitchens, but instead some Martha   
Stewart wannabe with a crack addiction.   
  
"Now, Akane, I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner by myself,"   
Kasumi had said.  
  
But the clincher was when Akane said "Yes, but I really want to   
learn to cook! How will I ever please my husband if I can't cook a   
meal?" Kasumi managed to keep her from actually touching the   
food...but, supper had been super surreal.   
  
Ranma and his father explained about Jusenkyo and Family Honor   
while Akane acted like some kind of Kasumi clone...only with not   
as much fur or as many arms. Even a stranger had to know   
something was up.  
  
Back in the present Nabiki gave Ranma a sub-zero stare.  
  
"Well, alright" Ranma said, "I guess I did notice she was acting a   
little different, but it seemed to be a good thing as far as I could   
see."   
  
"Saotome, I don't know what game you're playing. I don't really   
care. But...Akane has to be able to fight tomorrow. The boys   
challenge her everyday at school. I'm giving you responsibility for   
her safety. Either cure her or protect her, but it's your mess to   
clean up. And you better be serious about marrying Kasumi. If you   
break her heart, Saotome I swear I'll...If you hurt either one of my   
sisters again you are going to pay. Big time."  
  
As if on cue, Akane started screaming as she ran out of her room.  
  
Nabiki caught her sister as she passed. "What is it Akane?"  
  
"Its terrible! Terrible! It smells so bad!"  
  
Nabiki walked briskly to Akane's room, followed by Ranma and   
an overly frightened Akane. She opened the door...and   
immediately closed it. The smell was ungodly. Even the small   
amount she had allowed through was making her want to gag.   
"What is in there Akane?"  
  
"It's probably dog crap." Ranma offered matter-of-factly.  
  
"We don't own a dog Saotome. And there's no way a dog could   
make a smell that bad."  
  
Ranma shrugged, smiling mischievously. "Yeah, well...Family   
Honor's a bitch. What can I say?"  
  
Nabiki grimaced. And she thought HER pun was bad...  
  
~~~~~[END]~~~~~  
  
AN: Yes, I know that the "real" words to Jajauma ni Sasenaide are   
different in places. I know for instance that instead of "ocean   
breeze" they say "sea bream" and that's a kind of fish. But it's kind   
of hard to say that in a song. Basically I wanted an English version   
of the song that I could sing along to, and I felt the viz version was   
a little unsatisfactory. (Ranma Ranma, it's me you always tease?   
My heart is like Mah Jong to you?) Granted, my version isn't   
much better if at all, and the song's kind of silly anyway, but there   
you go.  
  
Thanks to NemesisZero, Yakumo, Aondehafka, Jeram,   
Edward, and Dunefar for their help. Any mistakes are purely my   
own.  
  
Comments and criticisms? Yes please! 


	2. A MidApril Night's Snack

Family Honor  
Chapter 2: A Mid-April Night's Snack By Zorknot  
  
DISCLAIMER: Ranma ½ owned by Takahashi Rumiko and the like.  
  
WHAT HAS COME BEFORE: A different Ranma met the Tendos. A Ranma that has a rather large invisible dog named Family Honor as his not-quite-imaginary friend. Family Honor threw Akane in the koi pond after she insulted Ranma, and now she's into housework and being feminine and all that. Nabiki's charged Ranma with curing her and protecting Akane until she's cured. Hilarity ensues.  
  
WARNING: There be WAFF ahead.  
  
~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~  
  
Ranma stared up at the ceiling of the guest room. His father, in panda form, snored beside him, sleeping soundly. Ranma was often a little envious of his father. Even before Genma had gotten the panda curse, he had a certain aloofness from things. Now, it was like he was justified. As for Ranma...a tremendous weight seemed to be pressing against his chest, making it difficult to breathe...Finally giving up, Ranma sighed, "Okay Family Honor you win. Will you please get off me now?"  
  
"Bark!" Family Honor said happily and jumped off Ranma's chest.  
  
Ranma sat up. Nabiki was right. He shouldn't have gotten Akane so angry. Ranma wasn't quite sure what he did to make her upset, but if Family Honor was going to be this insistent on the matter he had no choice but to fix her problem. He got to his feet and padded out of the room, opening and shutting the door quietly so as not to wake his father. He walked down the stairs and out of the house. There, outside, in the koi pond, was what Ranma sought.  
  
The rock glowed almost imperceptibly, even with Ranma's sensitive second sight, but it was there. He walked into the pond and waded to the rock, changing gradually and gracefully into a girl. So far, Ranma could only change the speed of the change slightly, but in time, she was sure she'd have complete control. She was learning so much about the world, having two perspectives to see it from, and she owed most, if not all, of her most recent techniques to being a girl. Slowing the curse, her second sight...these were all things she learned from women she had befriended, and somehow she knew she would not have learned them if she had been a boy all the time.  
  
Being engaged was a bit of a problem. Ranma was worried how Family Honor would take her fondness of her girl form once she got married. Still, she was happy with the way things had turned out so far. Kasumi wasn't only pretty; she was a wonderful person too.  
  
She was also a little sad and lonely...  
  
Ranma remembered the disappointment Kasumi had in her eyes...even if Akane and Nabiki hadn't been so put off by the idea of marrying a girl Ranma would have chosen Kasumi. Ranma felt a spark immediately with her and she knew that with her, she'd be happy.  
  
Something kept nagging at Ranma though... Some part of her kept saying that they were somehow incompatible...  
  
Shaking her head free of these doubts, Ranma crouched down in the water and touched the dimly glowing stone with her right hand. She felt a tingle and warmth caress her hand. Yes this was magic. Not just a curse though. This was spirit magic, and benevolent. "Hi," Ranma breathed.  
  
The warmth increased then lessened...the spirit had heard Ranma.  
  
"I really appreciate your help," Ranma began, addressing the rock, "but, that last girl that hit her head on you...it's strange, but her sister prefers her the way she was. Is there anyway I could put her back to normal?"  
  
There was a short pause, the glow wavered.  
  
"I know she was a little violent, but it turns out she needs to be...at least for now."  
  
The glow wavered a bit more and then lessened slightly in acquiescence.  
  
"Thank you so much! Now I don't want to disturb you too much, but is it okay if I take you out of this pond?"  
  
There was increased light and warmth from the stone.  
  
"You mean that's what you wanted me to do all along?"  
  
The stone brightened and faded a bit.  
  
"I'm so sorry! You must have been here for ages! Here, I'll get you out." Ranma pulled and shimmied the stone out of its place in the base of the pond. She felt the warmth intensifying, and the excitement was more than a little catching. Ranma finally got the stone free in a plume of brown smoke- like dust in the water. Immediately the stone grew cold, lifeless.  
  
"What happened? What's wrong? Where did you go?" And then, as the dust cleared, Ranma could see it at the bottom of the pond, glinting in the moonlight...a ring. An engagement ring by the looks of it. Ranma picked it up and held it to the light. The diamond sparkled prismatically and even though it was a bit spotty Ranma could tell the band was gold. "Wow! You're beautiful!" Ranma exclaimed, and the ring blushed.  
  
Ranma scrunched her eyes closed and opened them again. Yes the ring was, in fact, blushing. "You must be what was making the stone glow!"  
  
The ring brightened and faded in affirmation.  
  
Ranma felt a decidedly feminine urge to see what the ring would look like on her finger... she'd probably never be a bride, if she was going to marry anyone it'd be Kasumi, and she'd want her to be the groom probably...still...  
  
The ring blinked once slowly. It would be okay.  
  
Ranma slipped the ring on her finger...  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
All of her friends and family were here. There were so many! She hardly knew most of them, being an only child to parents who weren't fond of family gatherings. But they all came. They were all happy for her. She would be sure to get all their numbers and keep in touch after the wedding.  
  
She looked up at her father. So serious, his aged face some how both stoically blank and full of emotion at the same time. Sensing his daughter's look he looked down at her... "Are you ready for this?" He asked for the thirtieth time that night.  
  
"Daddy, don't be silly," she said, "I've never been surer of anything in my life. I love him, Daddy."  
  
Her father just nodded and faced forward again waiting for the music to start.  
  
"And I love you too Daddy, for doing this for me. I know you don't like him, but he'll grow on you, you'll see."  
  
"He isn't a bad kid...I'm just worried about you okay? That's my job." A small smile flashed on her father's face and then the wedding march began.  
  
There he was at the altar, so handsome in his tuxedo. She was glad they had done this western-style wedding now. It was a request of her father's, him being a retired US naval officer. He had insisted on walking her down the aisle and now she would have it no other way. Her gown trailed behind her as she walked over the petals on the floor and she smiled knowing that at that moment she was beautiful.  
  
He was so wonderful...His eyes were wide as he looked at her from the altar. She blushed wishing now she could just run to him. She loved him, and he loved her and every time their eyes met it was like a feed back loop of love that made her want to squeal in joy. This was it. This was the day she joined him forever.  
  
Her left hand found her right in front of her and she fingered the engagement ring that still surrounded her right ring finger. As far as she concerned they were married as soon as she put that ring on, on that wonderful moonlit night three weeks before. This ceremony wasn't necessary, but then again it almost was... it was a celebration, and she felt that without this she would just burst from trying to keep the joy inside.  
  
After an eternity, she was finally beside her love. The priest began to speak; only she didn't really hear him over the pounding of her heart. She said her "I do" and he said his and then came the ring bearer... "Repeat after me," the priest spoke to him, "with this ring, I thee wed."  
  
He took the ring in his hand and, slipped it onto her finger, "With this ring, I thee wed." Soun Tendo said, and it was the second happiest moment in her life.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Ranma jerked the ring off her finger. "Whoa. That was...so real..."  
  
Ranma wanted to be male now. Liberated from gender restrictions she may have been, but she had her limits. She hadn't realized how much of a man she was before now, but wearing a wedding dress, loving a man so fiercely... It was too much. She decided she'd much rather be the groom. But she wasn't likely to forget that anytime soon...and she was glad she got a chance to experience it. "Thank you; I don't know how to repay you!"  
  
The ring glimmered as if to say Ranma needn't worry about it.  
  
"Was that your wedding? Are you the spirit of Kasumi's mother?"  
  
The ring dimmed.  
  
"No? Oh wait a minute if you're in the pond then...she must have...thrown you here?"  
  
The ring brightened a bit, and then darkened further.  
  
"I'm so sorry! That must have been awful for you...to be abandoned like that..."  
  
"Excuse me..." a small voice called out from the side of the pond. Ranma looked and saw, oddly enough, a small squirrel sitting on its haunches as it looked imploringly at Ranma. Even at this hour, this wouldn't be all that strange, except the squirrel seemed to be wearing a formal house dress. Seeing that it had Ranma's attention it continued "I'm sorry... I was just wondering what you were planning to do with our engagement ring."  
  
"Our...engagement...ring?" Ranma repeated stupidly.  
  
"It's very important to us...we owe our entire civilization to it. We just want to make sure it's treated well."  
  
Ranma blinked. She supposed it made sense. After all this time in the pond the ring was bound to get lonely. Of course it would try to make friends. Judging by the way the koi in the pond were circling expectantly a respectable distance away from Ranma, she guessed the squirrel wasn't the only one.  
  
"Oh! Where are my manners! My name is Rchtcht, human ambassador for the United Sentient Squirrels of the Ring. How do you do?"  
  
"I'm well, thank you. My name is Saotome Ranma, of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts."  
  
"Sounds violent..." the squirrel noted.  
  
"It can be sometimes, but then the only peace that exists without conflict is death. What the Art teaches is how to maintain a balance between the yin of peace, stillness, tranquility, and death, and the yang of violence, chaos, adversity, and life."  
  
"An interesting philosophy. Our culture abhors violence in all forms...but we also don't believe in judging people. If you must destroy the ring we will not stop you, but I beg you to reconsider."  
  
"I'm not going to destroy it! I was just asking for the ring's help! You see, my fiancée's youngest sister was affected by it, and it was against her will. Much as I'd like her to stay the way she is, Family Honor demands I find a way to change her back."  
  
"Family Honor... it must be something very powerful."  
  
"No one escapes Family Honor for long." Ranma said, "Sooner or later it gets you, and then you are consumed by it."  
  
"It eats squirrels?"  
  
"I imagine so...though usually it goes after young warriors, maidens, and aging patriarchs."  
  
"That's dreadful!"  
  
"Nah...That's only when it's angry. Most the time Family Honor's just a puppy dog."  
  
The squirrel didn't look one bit mollified by Ranma's dismissal. "It won't come around here will it?"  
  
"Hard to say...But you shouldn't have to worry as long as it's satisfied."  
  
"We had better make sure Family Honor's satisfied then hadn't we?" The squirrel said somberly.  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
"I understand now why you must take the Ring...Still, I would like to accompany you if you don't mind."  
  
"Okay...sure...Is that okay with you, er...Ring?"  
  
The ring darkened a bit, but flickered a bit in acquiescence. Rchtcht climbed on to Ranma's shoulder and the martial artist made her way to the house once again.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Nabiki tossed and turned in her bed. She was about a minute away from giving up entirely and going down to the kitchen to replenish her snack stash and maybe get a late night fix while she was at it. The idea seemed more and more like a good one. Akane was sleeping on the floor beside her in a spare futon. She hugged a stuffed teddy bear and looked...cute.  
  
No one who knew Akane could possibly sleep under those conditions.  
  
Nabiki sat up and squinted at the clock. It was two in the morning. Perfect. Too late to be able to get a decent sleep and too early to stay awake the rest of the night. Nabiki sighed and climbed out bed on the right side, so as not too disturb Akane. As far as Nabiki was concerned any side was the wrong side though.  
  
Wincing as much from the pun as from the stiffness in her limbs, Nabiki stretched her arms for a moment before she walked out of her room and down the stairs to the kitchen.  
  
Nabiki didn't like going to the kitchen late at night. She didn't even like going there during the daytime. There weren't many things that really scared Nabiki. In fact, Nabiki was hard pressed to think of one most times. But if a psychological autocrat in some nightmarish Orwellian vision of the future had to find Nabiki's room 101, that man or woman would need look no further than the Tendo Family Kitchen.  
  
There wasn't one thing that really stood out as scary...aside from the occasional aftermath from an Akane attempt. The kitchen just gave Nabiki the creeps. All the knives, natural gas, the way everything was clean...it was just too freaky for Nabiki to deal with. Anywhere else in the world, she was the master of her fate, but in the kitchen...she was completely powerless. Nabiki took a breath and flicked on the kitchen light.  
  
"Okay...If I were Kasumi...where would I hide the chips...?" Nabiki said, and tried to imagine she was a many-armed primate with a little too much interest in the health of her family. Kasumi wouldn't throw away a bag of chips if she saw it. That would be much too cruel. But she would try to hide it inconspicuously. Say behind a bunch of jam jars in a top shelf... Nabiki fingered her hair reflexively. There was a reason why she had short hair. It involved loosing balance and falling from the kitchen counter after accidentally dropping two or three jars of prize winning orange marmalade.  
  
Kasumi wasn't going to try that again anytime soon... so that left the bottom shelves. Nodding to herself, Nabiki crouched down and set to work removing a sack of potatoes from a floor cabinet in the hopes of finding their salt-laden, preservative-rich cousins.  
  
A sack of onions, some pots and pans, and a couple of boxes of rice pudding mix later, Nabiki found her saturated fat salvation. She paused for a moment in reverence before reaching in and grabbing the wonderfully crinkly and shiny metallic bag. She stood up holding the bag away from her so she could gaze at the bright red "Happy Chips" logo. She traced the outline of the winking smiley face with her forefinger adoringly. "You'll never forsake me will you, Mr. Happy?" She shook the bag so that it seemed to say no. "That's right. You'll always be there to make me feel better."  
  
Nabiki embraced the bag of chips and swayed slightly from side to side. "Oh Happy Chips, Happy Chips they're the best!" she sang, "Happy Chips, Happy Chips, just put them to the test! Just one chip and you'll agreeeeeeee! Happy Chips are the best chips there can be!"  
  
"You have a lovely singing voice," Ranma commented from the entryway.  
  
Nabiki took account of her situation. She was currently standing amidst a pile of pots, pans, and starchy foods, embracing a bag of potato chips and, until only just recently, she had been singing a commercial jingle... This was bad. Yes, if it would make the embarrassment go away, Nabiki would kiss Big Brother on the lips right now.  
  
The stray thought that Ranma was potentially her future brother-in-law passed wickedly through Nabiki's mind, causing a few more moments of ineffectual jaw flapping as she tried to collect herself. Then her eyes drifted to the side of Ranma's head and Nabiki was shocked into coherence. "Why is there a conservatively dressed squirrel on your shoulder?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"I don't know," Ranma replied innocently, "why isn't there one on yours?"  
  
"Because I'm not in the habit of befriending rodents with out-dated fashion sense!"  
  
"That's odd...neither am I..." Ranma shook her head smiling. "I'm sorry I'm being rude." She gestured to the squirrel sitting on her left shoulder, "this is R...r...what was your name again?"  
  
"Rchtcht," the squirrel replied  
  
"Umm...yes. This is Ritsuko, human ambassador for the USSR. Ritsuko, this is Tendo Nabiki, treasurer of the Tendo family estate."  
  
"How do you do?" Ritsuko the squirrel bowed, "I must agree with Ranma, you have a very nice voice. None of us squirrels can sing I'm afraid. Haven't the right vocal chords. Our voices are much too strident. Is serenading your food a human custom?"  
  
Nabiki rubbed her brow with her hand. "Okay. First of all, that is not a human...that is a squirrel. Second, the USSR was done away with several years ago and I do not think its government was ever in the habit of employing rodents, except perhaps in the metaphorical sense. Finally, Saotome, I think we've both exceeded our oddness quotas for the day; so let's just pretend none of this ever happened and then go to sleep. You've got a long day of protecting my sister tomorrow after all."  
  
Ranma gasped, "The USSR is gone? Did you hear that, Ritsuko?"  
  
"No, it can't be! Unless...maybe it was Family Honor?" Ritsuko fretted.  
  
Ranma gulped. "Hundreds of squirrels, committing hari kari in the trees...the horror!"  
  
Nabiki arched an eyebrow. "You CAN'T be serious..." She looked at Ranma's pale complexion, "Oh gods, you are... Look, I don't know what you're thinking of, but the USSR was the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. It had...and I want to make this perfectly clear...nothing to do with squirrels."  
  
Both Ranma and Ritsuko sighed in relief.  
  
"Now," Nabiki took a breath and straightened herself, "Do you have anything important to discuss? Otherwise some of us have to get our beauty sleep."  
  
"Aw cut it out, Nabs. You're not that cold."  
  
"Yes I am!" Nabiki snapped. "I strike fear into the hearts of all! They call me the Ice Queen of Furinkan High!" Nabiki pointed to the ceiling with her right hand while her left clutched the bag of potato chips as she stepped regally on an overturned cooking pot.  
  
A gust of cold air seemed to blow through the room, making Ranma and Ritsuko shiver.  
  
Nabiki winced and relaxed out of the position. Crap. Kuno was contagious!  
  
"You can't fool me. You were singing TV jingles. You can't be cold and officious and sing TV jingles!"  
  
"No! I'm evil! Look!" Nabiki gave Ranma her best evil face...  
  
"Yeah yeah nice try. Anyway I found a cure for Akane, do you want me to cure her now, or should we wait till tomorrow?"  
  
Nabiki sighed. She had completely forgotten about Akane. If Ranma had a cure, then he/she was out of Nabiki's debt, and she had lost the only bit of power she had over the martial artist... She needed to focus. She was in control. She knew what she was doing...but somehow Ranma was keeping her off center... Ranma wasn't important. Once Akane was cured she could focus on other problems. "We'll cure her tonight. No sense delaying it."  
  
Ranma nodded. "Will you hold Ritsuko for a second?" She let the squirrel run down her arm until it reached her upturned hand.  
  
"Why?" Nabiki asked, offering her arm after some hesitation. Ritsuko climbed up onto her shoulder.  
  
"Just a moment. I'll show you." Ranma darted her eyes over every thing on the floor, noting its position, size, shape, and probable weight all in the matter of a few seconds. Then she closed her eyes for a second more before opening them...  
  
Nabiki felt a rush of wind and heat as a blur passed over the floor. By the time she realized what Ranma was doing, the red-head had more than half of the things back in the cabinet. The martial artist was beginning to slow though. Nabiki could catch glimpses of her now, especially when she was at the cabinet.  
  
Nabiki walked beside the cabinet and caught Ranma's shoulder when she appeared again. "I'm sooo impressed, Saotome, really. But you're not making things any easier."  
  
The contact on Ranma's shoulder caused her to jump and hit her head on the inside of the cabinet. "OW! Wha?"  
  
"Kasumi has specific places for everything. If you just shove things in there she'll know... and guess who'll get the cold rice come supper time." Nabiki pointed at herself. "Just let me put everything back and meet me at my room in say...ten minutes okay?"  
  
Ranma studied Nabiki's expression while she rubbed the back of her head where a nasty lump was forming. "You know the exact position everything was in?"  
  
"Of course. You think I want my sister angry? She may be even tempered but if you try her temper, she gets even."  
  
"You are a formidable individual" Ranma said oddly, as she stood up. She put her palms together and bowed. "I see the god in you." And then she left.  
  
"What the hell was that about?" Nabiki wondered.  
  
"Please, I wish you wouldn't curse in front of me," Ritsuko admonished from Nabiki's shoulder.  
  
The squirrel had her front paws under her chin clasped together. Cuteness and strangeness seemed to be battling for superiority in the creature. Nabiki contemplated her bag of potato chips...No. First she had to clean up, and then she'd inhale the contents and wait for Ranma to come with his miracle cure.  
  
"Ritsuko..." Nabiki asked as she pulled out some pots and pans.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do you get along well with other squirrels?"  
  
"Of course!" Ritsuko replied cheerfully. "After all, a communism cannot work with out a well-organized collective!"  
  
"Oh gods!" Nabiki moaned and tried her best to ignore Ritsuko for the rest of the night.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Ranma left the bathroom feeling nicely refreshed after a short dip in the furo. It was good to live in civilized society again. And it was kind of nice being male again. After all he'd have to go to school as a girl if he didn't want any problems. In his experience, a girl that turned into a guy was weird and pitiful, but a guy that turned into a girl was perverted and fair game for practical jokes. As far as Ranma was concerned he was both a boy and a girl so Family Honor didn't have a real problem with it. Besides even though he'd show them all, the less they were reminded of the curse, the better, and he could avoid hot water easier than cold.  
  
Putting his black pants and red shirt on over his boxers and tank top, Ranma headed toward Nabiki's room with the ring. But just as he got to the top of the stairs, he heard a low ominous growling.  
  
"Aw, come on! I'm going to Nabiki and Akane's room in the middle of the night in my male form for purely platonic reasons!"  
  
The growling increased.  
  
"Okay so I think Nabiki is kind of cute. That doesn't mean I'm going to do anything to her! I'm engaged to Kasumi! She's the one I want to marry! That hasn't changed. If I like one of her sisters then that's a good thing isn't it?"  
  
"Arrgh," Ranma grimaced as he realized how stupid that sounded. "Okay. You're right as always. I could see her just as easy as a girl. But I really wasn't going to do anything..."And with that, Ranma went back to the bathroom and doused herself before heading back up the stairs to Nabiki's room.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Wake up, Akane." Nabiki nudged her younger sister with her foot.  
  
Akane sat up, stretched cutely and rubbed her eyes, squinting against the overhead light Nabiki flicked on. "What is it, big sister Nabiki? It's still night time isn't it?"  
  
Nabiki turned away. This was too much. She looked at her bag of Happy Chips. Licked her lips once and opened them. Taking a single chip out, she popped it in her mouth, closed her eyes and savored the glorious sensation of salt crystals dissolving on her tongue. Everything was okay. Nothing was wrong. So the laws of Physics were being habitually broken, so an invisible canine with a keen sense of vengeance had taken residence in her house, so a talking squirrel was sitting on her shoulder spending every other minute trying to convince her of the evils inherent in capitalistic philosophy, so her sister the tomboy had turned into some uber-feminine distortion of her former self. Everything was fine...  
  
Nabiki took a handful and stuffed her mouth.  
  
The loud crunches in her jaw served to drown out her thoughts for a moment before she finally turned to Akane once again. "Saotome is coming up and he's going to cure you. I thought you'd like to know."  
  
"Cured?" Akane asked, "Cured of what?"  
  
"Tonight you tried to help Kasumi in the kitchen and didn't get angry when she told you she didn't need your help. You then expressed a wish to 'serve your husband' and then ran screaming in fright from your room because it stank. You see where I'm getting with this right?"  
  
"Yes..." Akane sighed lowering her head. "I was going to tell everyone during supper, but in all the commotion...Nabiki I don't want to be the heir to the school anymore. When I fell in that pond....It was a revelation. I realized that all my life I had been fighting people. Not just the boys in school, but my friends and family too. It's just sickening how I've treated you all. I don't want to be like that any more. I want to be loving and kind and get married and have lots of children and live in a cottage some where in the hills..."  
  
Nabiki reared her hand back and slapped Akane "You aren't getting married, you aren't going to live in a cottage in the hills and you WON'T be having any babies. Not while I'm around YOU GOT THAT!"  
  
Akane nodded holding a hand to her face as tears welled up in her eyes.  
  
"Now as I was saying, Saotome is coming up here to cure you..."  
  
"But I don't WANT to be cured!" Akane wailed hugging her teddy bear tightly.  
  
"Tough luck. He's coming up here whether you like it our not. He's going to cure you, and you're going to go back to your violent, boy-hating, tomboy self or so help me I will shove that teddy bear so far up your ass the stuffing will be coming out your nose!"  
  
"Um... Nabiki-chan...Is it really necessary to resort to threats?" Ritsuko offered from the left side of Nabiki's head.  
  
Nabiki smiled crazily. "Ritsuko, I couldn't help noticing you were a little thin. Why is that?"  
  
"Why would you say I'm thin? I'm just the right weight!" A tiny grumbling in the creature's stomach belied her statement.  
  
"I bet if you weren't wearing that dress, I could see your ribs through your fur. You share all your food with the 'collective,' don't you?"  
  
"Of course. Everyone gets their fair share."  
  
"And what about the sick, handicapped, and elderly? How do you decide how much food they get?"  
  
"We all take only what we absolutely need and leave the rest for those less fortunate."  
  
"How sweet. So it's all based on the honor system is it?"  
  
"We don't want anything to do with Family Honor...we just don't think anyone should suffer..." the squirrel's stomach grumbled again.  
  
"You're civilization is doomed. You are ALL suffering! One good drought or bad cold snap and all of you with your weak constitutions are going to expire and languish in the rot, victims of your own altruism."  
  
"We will survive! Through love and understanding we can outlast any storm!"  
  
"Nabiki! Leave her alone! She's a guest!" Akane spoke up.  
  
Nabiki thinned her eyes at her sister. She took out a potato chip. She turned her head to Ritsuko who was twitching frantically in what must have been a display of squirrel anger. "I want you to eat this chip, Ritsuko."  
  
The squirrel shook her head, "No, I couldn't. I must bring it back to the main tree and divide it equally among us."  
  
"You aren't in your tree right now, so you must follow our rules. I just offered you a gift. It would be rude of you not to accept it." Nabiki waved the chip in front of the squirrel. She wondered if squirrels could digest potato chips...well if Ritsuko got sick at least she'd shut up.  
  
"I'm sorry, you're right. I'll just take one bite, and then I'll save the rest for later..." Ritsuko took a bite.  
  
Nabiki watched.  
  
Ritsuko fidgeted for a few seconds...  
  
...and then took five more bites in quick succession.  
  
You can never have just one. Capitalism is a beautiful thing.  
  
Ritsuko was still nibbling on the chip when there was a knock at Nabiki's door. Nabiki opened it to find a somewhat damp Ranma-chan. Pity Ranma wasn't male. Nabiki was looking forward to seeing if he was seducible. For Kasumi's sake of course.  
  
No...It was better that Ranma was female. Nabiki would NOT get jealous of her sister. She had enough problems.  
  
"Come in, Saotome. It's getting late. Let's just get this over with."  
  
Ranma nodded. "Okay, Nabs sorry for keeping you up." She entered the room, "Hey, Akane, how are you?"  
  
"Just fine, thank you. Nabiki says you're going to 'cure' me. I'm afraid I don't understand what she means by that. I feel better than ever right now."  
  
Ranma shot a dark look toward Nabiki. "Nabs, if she feels better, why can't we just let it be?"  
  
"Because it's not her! That girl is not Akane! Why is it so hard for you to understand that?"  
  
"Don't be silly, big sister Nabiki; I'm still your sister!"  
  
"Arrgh!" Nabiki screamed. She shoved her hand in the potato chip bag and jammed the handful in her mouth. Ranma, Akane, and Ritsuko waited as she chewed. When she was finished, she was calmer. "Saotome, you are not part of this family yet, and you have no business making decisions like this. Fix Akane. If she wants to go back to being Miss Congeniality after that, fine, but I want to hear it from the sister I know, not from whoever this is."  
  
"Whomever," Ritsuko corrected.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Okay, Nabs." Ranma held her hands up. "I'm going to do it, I was just saying..."  
  
Nabiki took a breath and let it out through her nostrils. Her eyes never left Ranma's.  
  
"Right. I'll get right to it." Ranma pulled out the ring from her pocket.  
  
"What is that?" Akane asked.  
  
"It's your mother's engagement ring."  
  
"What?" The question came from both Nabiki and Akane.  
  
"Would you like to see it Akane-chan?"  
  
Akane nodded, her eyes beginning to water.  
  
Ranma gave her the ring.  
  
Akane held it, cupped in her hands. She closed her eyes and clutched it against her chest. Hesitantly she slid it on her ring finger. A single tear fell down her cheek.  
  
Then she opened her eyes, materialized a mallet and slammed it into Ranma's chin with a powerful upward motion, sending him straight through the door.  
  
"Akane, you're back!" Nabiki cheered. "Now," she continued, walking to the video camera she had on her night stand and ejecting a tape, "how much are you willing to pay to keep this 'in the family' so to speak?" She waved the tape jauntily.  
  
"Nabiki! I was just brainwashed by my mother's engagement ring and you're going to charge me money? Honestly!"  
  
"Relax, Akane. I'm your sister. I love you. I only have your best interests at heart."  
  
"Okay. I'm sorry Nabiki, I love you too, you know."  
  
"So you'll pay how much? One... two thousand yen?"  
  
"Nabiki!"  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Ranma lay in the upstairs hallway looking at the dark ceiling and rubbing her chin. "I wonder why Family Honor didn't stop her..."  
  
She sat up and looked in the bright room, at the two sisters embracing. "I guess maybe I had that coming, huh."  
  
"Bark!" Family Honor agreed happily.  
  
"Come here, girl." Ranma called and scratched the invisible dog behind the ears. "I guess I still have a lot to learn."  
  
Family Honor chuffed in agreement.  
  
"I don't know what I'd do without you," Ranma said grabbing onto Family Honor's fur, "Don't ever leave, okay?"  
  
"Okay?" Ranma repeated.  
  
But Family Honor was silent.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Kasumi woke up that morning to find Ranma passed out in the upstairs hallway, a nasty scrape on her chin surrounded by a blossoming purple of a bruise. She was lying on top of the splintered remains of a door.  
  
"I guess Akane has been cured," she said with a trace of sadness. It was nice having Akane share her outlook for a while. She did enjoy her sister's spunk, but it could get tiresome at times.  
  
She picked up Ranma with six of her arms, and carried the redhead down to the kitchen. When she laid the girl down she started to wake up. Kasumi knew she should move away that, she might fright Ranma with her ugly animal face, she knew this but she couldn't move. She had to see if just maybe she had truly found someone who wasn't frightened of her. Who truly thought of her as an equal.  
  
The girl's eyes fluttered open and when Ranma looked at Kasumi, she smiled. "You're beautiful, you know that?"  
  
Kasumi allowed herself a smile before getting up and starting the range to heat some water. "I'm not beautiful, Ranma. I'm a monster. I've accepted that long ago."  
  
"How can you say that? You're no more a monster than I am."  
  
"Ranma, look at me. Really look at me. I am not human. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I hope, but it doesn't change. I'm ugly, Ranma. Believe me; I'd like to forget it. I've always tried to look on the bright side of things...but there's a point where that becomes dangerous. I'm worried about you. High school is a cruel place sometimes. If people find out about our engagement..."  
  
Ranma got up and put a hand on Kasumi's shoulder. "I'm telling you Kasumi, you're the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out. As far as the rest, I'm going to be telling everyone in that place that I change sexes with water. I'm not going to tell the truth about that and then lie about something as important as my engagement to you."  
  
"You're telling them about your curse?"  
  
"Yes. It's a part of who I am, and I am introducing myself to them today."  
  
Kasumi sighed. "I guess maybe it will be okay for you." She smiled, "You'll probably have both the boys AND the girls going after you."  
  
"I certainly hope not!" Ranma blanched.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Boys have cooties!" Ranma said in an affected girlie voice.  
  
Kasumi laughed. It was a good feeling...to laugh. "How is it you're so comfortable with it? Isn't it hard for you sometimes?"  
  
"What you mean like getting a period even though I was born a guy?"  
  
"You get...monthly visitors?"  
  
"Oh that's a much nicer way to put it! Sometimes I'm still a little crass from being raised on the road I'm afraid. Yeah. I spent a month in an Amazon village. You don't want to be male in an Amazon village, let me tell you. And living there really blew my father's 'girls are weak' shtick out of the water. I don't think he ever really believed that, he was just using it to motivate me, still, yeah it was hard at first, but I got over it."  
  
"But you could get pregnant?"  
  
Ranma looked at Kasumi strangely, "I'd have to have sex first, but yeah, it could happen I suppose. If you want, I have a few packages of instant Nannichuan and you can see what it's like to be a guy..."  
  
Just then, the kettle started whistling. Kasumi hurriedly took it off the range and moved to douse Ranma.  
  
"Wait a little while, please Kas, the water really only has to be steaming."  
  
Kasumi smiled abashedly. "I'm sorry, Ranma. It's just...I never considered it possible...to be human."  
  
"Well sure it is! If that's what you want. I also have instant Nyannichuan, that's girl water, if you want. As long as you don't already have a curse, all you need is water from the Chisuiton ladle and a packet of instant Nyannichuan and you're a human girl for life. Of course, the Chisuiton is a carefully guarded artifact of a nation of powerful martial artists that breed with transformed animals to increase their strength and are led by an almost undefeatable dragon prince, but that's not that big a deal really. You just really have to be sure that's what you want."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"The thing about magic is it's too easy. You find the right artifact, make the right sacrifices and as long as you follow the rules, you can have anything. I mean, if I wanted to be a guy full time all I'd really have to do is make a pentagram, find a satanic telephone directory, call up a demon, and agree to let it do whatever it pleased with me after I die and poof! I'm a guy forever. But I'd have to REALLY want to be a guy to do that. If I wanted to be a girl I could just use the Chisuiton myself, but I'd have to be absolutely sure that I was okay with losing my guy side. It's all really easy to do, but much more difficult to undo. No matter what I did I could never just go back to how things were before the curse. I can go back in time, see myself get cursed over and over again, I can even keep myself from getting cursed that way, but then I'm either stuck in a parallel universe I don't belong in, or I go back to where I came from and have nothing be different.  
  
"Anyway, all I'm saying Kas, is that magic is tricky business."  
  
"Ranma. I know. Do you think I was born like this?"  
  
"You weren't?"  
  
"I couldn't have been, Ranma. Even if there are other pygmy sasquatch in the world, they wouldn't have eight arms or this ridiculous fur..."  
  
"I think it's pretty."  
  
"I know you do Ranma...But please, you should know this about me." Kasumi took in a breath and let it out. She hadn't talked this long to anyone in a long time. "I don't remember much from my childhood, my first clear memory is of waking up in the koi pond on a misty morning, not sure of who I was or how I got there. Mother and Father were having an argument and I said they should stop fighting...I don't know why but they took me in. I only knew Mother two years before she passed, but in that time she taught me everything I know about housekeeping and life."  
  
"You mean...you're adopted?"  
  
Kasumi looked incredulous at her fiancé "Y...yes. I'm adopted Ranma. Now you know."  
  
"Have you ever tried to contact your birth parents?"  
  
"N...no, Ranma. I'm a pygmy sasquatch with eight arms. If I have any living relatives they're probably in a freak show or in the thrall of some dark wizard or mad scientist bent on ruling the world."  
  
"Oh. Yeah you're probably right. That's a relief," Ranma said, reaching for the kettle.  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"I was worried for a second there you might be burakumin."  
  
Kasumi just remained silent as Ranma changed sexes with the water.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"...and that's why Akane was acting differently last night, and why Ritsuko here can talk." Nabiki finished explaining to her older sister.  
  
Akane was in the middle of a violent dream when Nabiki had left her room. So far it was just her, Ranma, Ritsuko and Kasumi downstairs.  
  
"Nabiki, could I have another chip?" Ritsuko asked politely.  
  
Nabiki smiled. "Not just yet, Ritsuko baby. You'll have to do something for me first, this being a capitalistic society and all."  
  
"What do I have to do?" Ritsuko was twitching with excitement.  
  
"Oh nothing much, just spy on a few people when I ask you to. Maybe incite a rebellion. Easy stuff really."  
  
"Sure! Anything!"  
  
"We'll write up a contract later then. For now, Hey, Kasumi do we still have that bag of walnuts?"  
  
Kasumi jumped as if coming back from a reverie and nodded. "I'll go get it now, Nabiki-chan." Kasumi turned to go back into the kitchen where the soup was cooking but Ranma stopped her, putting a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Kasumi, what's wrong?"  
  
"It's nothing, Ranma; just...I always thought I was born human for some reason. That I was changed into this somehow...now..."  
  
Nabiki's eyes widened "That's right! Kasumi must have fallen in the pond! That's where she came from! She could have just as easily been a squirrel!"  
  
"Or a fish" Ritsuko noted.  
  
"Or a human being," Ranma asserted. "What if a little girl had fallen in there and lost all memory of who she really was?"  
  
"Akane..." Nabiki muttered, feeling a little sick.  
  
"Kasumi," Ranma said, looking into his fiancée's eyes, "you're human now, no matter what you were originally. No matter what you are on the outside. I wouldn't have gotten engaged to you otherwise." Ranma hugged Kasumi. In his male form he and Kasumi were the same height, and they fit together in a strange sort of way. Watching Kasumi's back, Nabiki could almost imagine that the fur was hair and skin, and that a normal girl was embracing Ranma.  
  
It almost made Nabiki a little misty. Almost.  
  
To think, if it hadn't been for Mom's engagement ring, Kasumi would never have existed. Kasumi was as much Mom's daughter as anyone, Nabiki guessed. Of course so were Ritsuko, the USSR, and apparently all the fish in the koi pond. Still, it kind of gave Nabiki a warm feeling to find out that her mother still exerted her influence even after she died.  
  
They had had a traditional funeral. It was Mom's last request, which was odd considering she was half American. But if it hadn't been for all the tradition, Nabiki would have had a hard time believing it was real.  
  
Nabiki remembered. First all of the family touched the body. Daddy was first, touching Mom's forehead lightly with his fingers, and then Nabiki touched the neck, so cold and lifeless... After the rest of the family touched her, Nabiki and Akane put socks and sandals on Mom's feet so that she could travel the pathways of the afterlife. They put her in the casket then, and Nabiki walked behind it as Daddy and three other men carried Mom into the hearse.  
  
They brought the casket to the dojo and set it down, careful that it faced the right direction. They set up an altar with her picture on it. The same picture that hung there now. Daddy taught Nabiki, Akane, and Kasumi how to light the incense, blowing out the fire not by breath, but by a wave of the hand and setting the stick with its glowing point into the white sand in front of Mom's picture.   
  
The casket stayed in the dojo for three days, as friends and family came to view the body and give their condolences. There was a whole set of procedure that governed each visit and Nabiki remembered straining to sit still long enough so that all the etiquette was taken care of. Daddy had strained under the pressure of it all. Towards the end he was a complete wreck.  
  
Finally after the priest blessed the body, and everyone ate some funeral refreshments, they took Mom to the crematorium. Nabiki wasn't supposed to have seen it burn, but she had snuck in anyway.  
  
It was only when she had seen the flames licking the casket that she could really believe that Mom was dead.  
  
It was Nabiki's most vivid memory.  
  
Nabiki snapped back to the present suddenly as she heard Akane bounding down the steps in her pajamas. "Nabiki! Kasumi! You won't believe this!"  
  
"What is it, Akane-chan?" Kasumi asked.  
  
"The ring! Mom's engagement ring! It showed me all sorts of things last night. Stuff from the past, where it came from..."  
  
"Yeah it showed me your mother's wedding. That was nice." Ranma nodded.  
  
Akane thinned her eyes at Ranma but then continued, unable to contain her excitement. "It's Mom! She's still alive! Living right here in Tokyo!"  
  
There was pure silence for a good minute and then Nabiki spoke. "WHAT?"  
  
~~~~~[END]~~~~~  
  
AN: I got all that business about the traditional funeral from the movie "The Funeral" (Japanese live action from the same director as "Tampopo") Some of it might be a little off. I'm not sure if they do the same things for women as for men etc. Mostly what struck me when I watched the movie though was how difficult it would be for someone to fake their own death? So guess what?  
  
I'll be going into the why's and how's and wherefores next chapter. I apologize if I offended anyone^_^  
  
Thanks to Figment and Onigiri for looking at this.  
  
This has to be the weirdest fic I've ever written.  
  
Feedback greatly appreciated.  
  
(And yes, I'm working on Thyself Known. About a quarter done with the rough draft of the next chapter.) 


	3. Things to Do in Nerima When You're Dead

Family Honor  
Ch3: Things to Do in Nerima When You're Dead  
  
DISCLAIMER:   
Ranma and so on  
They are not my characters  
They are Rumiko's  
  
PREVIOUSLY: Ranma and Genma have arrived at the Tendo's.   
Ranma has an invisible dog that's an out growth of his superego   
named Family Honor. Kasumi is an eight-armed human-sized pink   
and purple polka-dotted sasquatch. An enchanted ring has made all   
the animals around the koi pond intelligent. Nabiki has recruited a   
communist squirrel for her cause, enticing it with potato chips.   
Finally Soun's wife is not really dead. She's just been faking it the   
last ten years.   
  
~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~  
  
Shampoo perched atop the middle of the giant 'w' of the Whammy   
Burger, her long, violet hair billowing in the wind. From this   
vantage she could observe a good portion of Nerima's business   
district, but there was no panda or pigtail to be seen.   
  
Shampoo gritted her teeth. She was a proud warrior, and an   
excellent tracker. She had the culmination of three thousand years   
of Amazonian teachings in her brain, and she could kill with barely   
a movement if it weren't for her pesky morality getting in the way.   
Still, the fact remained that at the moment the only lead she had to   
go on was that Ranma and his father would be staying at a place   
called the Tendo Dojo, and Shampoo had no idea where that was.   
There was simply no avoiding it...  
  
She would have to ask somebody for directions.  
  
She stayed for a moment, taking in the bustle and hustle of this city,   
so different from her village. She liked watching the people go to   
and fro, thinking their private thoughts without realizing they were   
being watched. From this angle, the Japanese people seemed   
almost normal and not the backwards, lecherous, condescending   
bastards they really were.  
  
Ranma was different of course. Ranma had been her friend for   
several months back in her village. Shampoo had always been   
something of a loner, but she showed Ranma all of the secret caves   
in the mountains that she went to, the waterfall, the place in the   
green valley where you can see the sun rise between two peaks   
only twice in a year. At first, she had been quiet, but something   
about Ranma...it just made her want to talk. It wasn't until the   
elders agreed to annul the Kiss of Death and Ranma left with his   
father that she had realized she loved him.   
  
And so Shampoo petitioned the Elders to allow her to take a   
sabbatical to Japan, nominally to expand her horizons and learn   
about the culture, but really only to find some way to get Ranma to   
stay with her forever. She had already gotten much of the language   
from Ranma, and before leaving, she learned more from her   
great-grandmother, as well as some pertinent culture differences.   
One in particular that had been driven home since was that, in   
Japan, women were barely looked at as equals, hardly ever as the   
superior sex.  
  
Shampoo took a breath and steeled herself for another bout with   
foreign ignorance before launching into the air, completing a   
double somersault and twisting to land in front of the entrance to   
the Whammy Burger in a three point crouch.  
  
She tried to walk inside, but was impeded by that strange form of   
force field that the natives were in the habit of using. Opening the   
door seemed like such a waste of time, and the force field annoyed   
Shampoo...so she just retrieved her bonbori from null-space and smashed  
through it. She was beginning to wonder if she should bother with doors   
at all.  
  
Inside was a curious sight. Every table and booth was occupied by blond-  
haired oriental girls of various ages all wearing long, ankle length   
skirts, heavy boots and doctor's face masks. Several of them stood   
up and looked rather angry about something. This was...different.  
  
Shampoo permitted one of them to grab her by the collar of her   
cheongsam and slam her against the wall. This girl seemed about   
Shampoo's age and build but was a little taller with the black of   
her roots showing in her otherwise blond hair. Shampoo was a little   
curious.  
  
"You stupid chinky bitchlet! That our window, seen?"   
  
"Excuse me? I'm afraid I don't understand your manner of   
speech." Shampoo said, frowning.   
  
The girl smiled smugly and looked around at her compatriots. "Are   
you chuggin this, yanklets? Chinky here don't ken me! Mayhap we   
oughtta pipe chinpoko-jin back where she from ne?"  
  
There were several murmurs of assent and a few girls yelled   
"SEEN!"   
  
Shampoo had studied Japanese very diligently. She didn't know   
why she wasn't able to understand these people. "Please, I'm just   
trying to find someone. If you wish to fight me, challenge   
me in a respectable manner or else I may have to hurt you."  
  
"Oooh, Chinky panty twistin ne? She sparks a bit, mayhap. You   
best chug me though, bitchlet, we Yankii the ~fire~." And with   
that, the girl threw Shampoo toward one of the tables.  
  
Shampoo twisted in the air and made a perfect landing on the   
table's surface. "So be it. You will find yourselves in pieces   
shortly!" Shampoo yelled.   
  
A girl swung a lead pipe at Shampoo's legs. Shampoo hopped over   
this and spun low across the table, sending the heel of her foot into   
the girl's temple, knocking her out. Another girl turned her back   
toward Shampoo, jumped into the air and flipped, her two steeltoe-  
booted feet now heading straight for Shampoo's head. Shampoo   
was so amazed she almost didn't roll away from the attack.   
  
Another girl tried to club her, but Shampoo stepped inside the   
attack, grabbed the girl's arms, shoved a knee hard into her solar   
plexus, picked her up and swung her into another girl that was   
charging her.   
  
Shampoo had cleared a small space for herself and now stood in an   
easy ready stance waiting for the girls' next move.   
  
"Stop!" a woman said, entering from the kitchen area and holding   
her arms up to garner attention. She was dressed in more or less   
the same style as the other girls, but her clothes were of better   
quality and she was much older. Everything she wore was black,   
from her dress with its red, spider web pattern to her face mask   
which seemed made of satin and had a red hourglass decorating it.   
The most striking difference was that unlike the other girls' blond  
hair, her hair was long, dark and had a lustrous sheen that seemed   
to glint blue in the light. "Girl's sparky, seen? You yanklets gonna   
doze the demesne!"  
  
The girls started to back off warily. Shampoo glanced at them and   
then addressed the woman. "Are you the leader?"  
  
The woman nodded "I am Missus Vicious. What do you want?"  
  
Shampoo did not get out of her ready position. "I'm looking for   
Saotome Ranma. I was told he would be staying here, in Nerima,   
at the Tendo dojo. Would you happen to know where that is?"  
  
Shampoo saw "Vicious" tighten her lips underneath the red   
hourglass on the face mask. The woman's fist clenched. "Yes. I   
know where that is. Would you like me to take you there?"  
  
Shampoo thinned her eyes. Vicious's body language didn't match   
her words. "If you could... that would be ni-" and a blunt   
instrument came crashing into the back of Shampoo's skull.   
  
To sneak up on her like that...the girls had some skill...  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Missus Vicious sat smoking a cigar in the driver's seat of the black   
minivan with her elbow out of the open window as Masaki Chihiro   
finished putting the cooler of lunch bags into the minivan. Many of   
the girls were looking through the back window and snickering.  
  
Chihiro came around to Vicious's window. She wore black slacks   
and a pin-striped blouse and her hair was put up in a bun, long   
strands of it falling on her face as bangs. She was the owner of the   
Whammy Burger. "You don't ever think you're getting too old for   
this?"  
  
Vicious snorted, tossing the stub of her cigar to the ground and   
reattaching her face mask. "You never grow out of the Yankii. You   
don't leave unless you're beaten out."  
  
"But, you're thirty-seven! You should be settling down, or at least   
getting a good job! You'll break your back, doing that construction   
work."  
  
"Look, Chichi, I've told you this before. Even if I wanted to stop, I   
can't. The girls need me. The Yankii are all they've got. They're   
going to turn to the streets anyway, at least now they have some   
self respect. As if you'd have lasted a day without our help. You   
used to be one of us, remember."  
  
"I took my beating long ago, Vicious," Chihiro said, crossing her   
arms in front of her, "And the only reason I need your money is   
because you keep scaring away my customers and breaking   
things!" She looked toward the ground and sighed, collecting   
herself. She looked up again brushing a strand of hair from her   
face. "You're my friend, and I hope that will never change, but   
you've got to let this go. It's not healthy. Not for you and not for   
the Yankii."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You're in a minivan! You take them to school! What kind of gang   
leader does that!"  
  
"Well we do have a girl tied to the back bumper on roller-skates..."  
  
"You see!" Chihiro pointed, "You gave her roller-skates! You're   
going soft!"  
  
"But she's naked..."  
  
"Right and you're liable to get arrested for child exploitation or   
worse if the cops see you."  
  
"We've paid off the cops. There won't be any problem. Besides   
the girl's a martial artist. She'll be fine."  
  
"Look," Chihiro closed her eyes and shook her head, holding her   
hand to her temple. when she looked up again, her gaze was   
intense. "I know you aren't going to listen to me, but please, listen   
to your heart. You miss them. I know you do. I see it in your   
eyes..." For a moment Vicious was caught by her friend's intensity.   
She could almost believe Chihiro ~was~ reading something that was   
inside her, imprinted on her soul...  
  
Vicious shook her head and turned the key in the ignition. "I don't   
want to hear it. That was another life. That wasn't me, and that was   
ten years ago. Goodbye."   
  
And with that, Missus Vicious, aka Tendo Kirika pulled out of the   
parking lot of the Whammy Burger in her minivan full of gang   
members and with a naked Amazon in tow.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
The Ring was not very old. It existed only a century at most, and   
so it was still learning the ropes of how to use its magic. The girl   
Akane didn't want to be a nice person...didn't want to be a dainty   
maiden, but she kept the Ring on her finger all the same, and as   
long as she didn't take it off, it could communicate with her after a   
fashion through thoughts and images.   
  
The girl wanted to know about her mother. Not the gracious   
housekeeper that had birthed her and raised her for four years, but   
the woman before Tendo Soun offered the Ring, and the woman   
that was her mother for those two years after the Ring was thrown   
into the pond. The Ring didn't know how to help Akane at first. It   
had thought that it would only be able to show the times the Tendo   
matron had worn it. But then it realized that it could access   
memories and dreams and these were often beyond its influence.  
  
The Ring was incredibly lonely. It wanted to stay with Akane as   
much as possible. So to keep Akane from taking it off, it showed   
Akane everything she wanted to know. It showed the memories of   
Akane's mother. Of how Tendo Kirika had been a member of a   
street gang, of how she used to dye her hair blond and speak   
in gutter language in emulation of the Americans she saw on the   
screen, even though her father was American and was nothing like   
all that. The Ring showed Akane about how before Kirika's   
mother died she used to sneak around the army base, learning   
about all the weaponry, wanting to be a soldier like her   
father...about how her mother's death caused a rift in her   
relationship with her father that was filled by the gang. By   
belonging to something. The Ring showed how Kirika rose in the   
ranks of the gang swiftly with her incredible ability to deal with   
people and her considerable prowess with martial arts.   
  
Finally the Ring showed Akane how Kirika had met Soun, beating   
him up after he had stolen some underwear from her and her gang   
members. He kept coming back afterwards, wanting to spend time   
with her, and even though she consistently pounded him into the   
stratosphere, he was relentless and the two of them developed a   
strange sort of relationship. He saved her life. She saved his.   
Maybe something would have happened anyway...   
  
But Soun had bought an engagement ring.  
  
All the Ring had wanted was for Kirika to be happy. The Ring   
knew that in order for a woman to be happy she had to have a man   
to love her and children to care for. When the Ring changed   
Kirika's personality the girl had ~seemed~ happy enough, and it   
really was a glorious wedding, but even the Ring realized on some   
level that a part of Kirika, a good part, was dying inside her.  
  
The gang had actually left her alone pretty much. Soun had   
become a rather prominent figure in the ward and Kirika helped   
out the gang financially and legally without provocation even   
while under the Ring's influence. She could have been happy   
forever like that, after a fashion. But Kirika's dreams grew   
increasingly restless.   
  
In the moment between waking and sleeping, in the twilight of   
consciousness, Kirika was herself completely. And one night,   
during this twilight, Soun came to bed drunk, babbling about some   
contract he had made with his old friend Genma that one of his   
daughters would marry Ranma, Genma's son and thereby combine   
their martial arts schools.   
  
Kirika pulled off the engagement ring then. She pulled it off, got   
out of bed, and threw it into the koi pond.  
  
The Ring hadn't understood. Didn't Kirika love Soun? Didn't she   
love her daughters? Wasn't she happier as a homemaker? But   
when the Ring hesitantly showed Akane the images, Akane   
seemed to get excited. She seemed to empathize with her mother to   
such an extent that the Ring was afraid it might get thrown into the   
pond ~again~.  
  
Then the Ring thought about how happy it was to be out of the   
pond. But hadn't it been happy their? Didn't it have friends?   
Fish and squirrels that loved it? But the Ring wasn't supposed to be an   
enchanted rock in a fish pond. The Ring was meant to be around   
someone's finger. The ring was supposed to shine and be beautiful   
and loved and make others feel beautiful and loved. It had been   
denied its destiny.   
  
Just as it had denied Kirika's destiny.   
  
The Ring would have wept had it the biology necessary to do so.   
Instead, all it could do was vow that it would never make the   
mistake again. It could not bear to be without a wearer again. It   
would help Akane out as much as possible, but only with her   
permission.  
  
So it had asked first before telling Akane where her mother was.   
Although the Ring did not know the exact location, it could feel   
the woman's particular personality pattern in a certain direction.   
The Ring hadn't expected Akane to get so excited after asking her   
if she wanted to see her mother. It thought the family knew she   
was gone already, but apparently Kirika had gone through great   
pains to fake her death.   
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
At the moment, the Tendos and Ranma were all gathered around   
the table sipping tea. Nabiki and Akane were in pajamas, Ritsuko   
and Kasumi in housedresses, Ranma in her red Chinese shirt and   
black pants, and Soun in his typical brown gi. A toothbrush stuck   
out of the corner of his mouth as he listened to Akane's account of   
what the Ring had told her. He hadn't really blinked since she had   
started and he seemed to be in an advanced state of catatonia, but   
otherwise he seemed to be taking it well.   
  
Nabiki, being the polar opposite of a morning person, looked   
particularly disheveled and was trying desperately to keep from   
drifting into insurmountable confusion. Just yesterday, her mother   
had been a decade dead, communist squirrels and invisible dogs   
did not exist, and her elder sister's personality had been the result   
of quirky genetics and upbringing and not the direct effect of   
contact with a magical artifact. All that changed now. The only   
thing that kept her from going over the edge was the thought that   
Kasumi ~had~ been a human-sized bigfoot with pink and purple   
polka-dotted fur for a good ten years now, and by comparison, the   
other things weren't really all that strange.  
  
When Akane was finished, Soun finally blinked and took the tooth   
brush out of his mouth, placing it absently into his tea cup. "I...I   
don't know what to say..." he muttered, "She never called. It's been   
ten years...I thought she loved me and that she just changed for my   
sake. I mean to tell you the truth, I was glad when her friends from   
the gang started coming by to pick her up. I thought she was more   
herself then, more the woman I fell in love with...and of course   
Kasumi came by to help with the housework around that time...and then..."  
  
"But Daddy, we all saw the body. We ~touched~ the body. She   
couldn't have faked that. That was real." Nabiki protested. Her   
voice was measured and calm, but her eyes held great emotion.  
  
"I don't know," Ranma began before turning her cup of tea three   
times and sipping from it. After swallowing and smiling her   
approval to Kasumi, she continued. "There was this medicine over   
in China that could simulate death. Made the body cold to the   
touch and everything. It is risky...I mean you're actually dead for   
awhile after you take it and you might not get up again afterwards,   
but as long as you get the dose right, after a few hours you come   
back to life, climb out of your coffin or whatever and everything's   
hunky dorey."  
  
Soun nodded sagely. "Yes...she could have slipped out before the   
incinerator..."  
  
"No, Daddy she couldn't have." Nabiki shook her head. "We had a   
viewing remember? there wasn't a single moment when Mom   
wasn't supervised."   
  
"You're right..." Soun's eyes widened. "Gods! What if she was   
still alive when they put her in the oven?"  
  
Akane, Nabiki, Ranma, Kasumi, and Ritsuko, the squirrel on   
Nabiki's shoulder, all looked at Soun with confusion for a moment.  
  
There was creaking on the stairs as Genma descended.   
  
In his martial arts gi he walked to the refrigerator, opened it, took out   
some juice, and drank it direct from the carton.   
  
There was a growling noise from Ranma's general direction and   
Genma hurriedly put the carton back in the fridge and bolted out   
the front entrance, the sound of heavy paws skittering after him.  
  
"Oh wait...she's alive ~now~. She couldn't have been in the   
incinerator!" Soun announced.  
  
Everyone around the table, including Kasumi, nearly fell over in   
amazement at Soun's apparent stupidity.   
  
"Honestly, Dad, try to keep up, this is about Mom!"  
  
"I know, Akane, I'm sorry. Must be getting old heh heh." Soun   
scratched the back of his head.  
  
"Wait a minute. You're not surprised at this at all..." Nabiki   
frowned. Slowly she raised her hand, pointing at her father. "You   
know something!"  
  
Outside there was a cry of pain and a splash of water. There were a   
few barks and weird annoyed-sounding growfing noises.   
  
"Well?" Nabiki crossed her arms. "Out with it, Daddy."  
  
"Okay, okay! I guess you girls are old enough to know now. Your   
mother's not really dead."  
  
"That's what I was just ~telling~ you!" Akane protested.  
  
"Yes, well your mother and I...we didn't want to go through a long   
messy divorce. We thought it would be easier on all of you in the   
long run if we just...faked her death."  
  
"So...you and Mom staged the whole funeral?"  
  
"Yes!" Soun sobbed.   
  
Ritsuko's rodent eyes were brimmed with tears, "How romantic!"   
she chittered.  
  
"Just how is that romantic?" Nabiki asked of the creature on her   
shoulder.  
  
"It's like Romeo and Juliet! Star-crossed lovers, thrown together   
by fate, but destined to live in separate worlds. So Juliet fakes her   
death so she can later elope with Romeo without their families   
knowing about it. Romeo finds her in the crypt, she wakes up and   
they run off to a far off town and live happily ever after!"  
  
"Hey!" Akane pointed at the squirrel accusingly, "That's not how   
it goes at all!"   
  
"Yes it is! I should know; I've heard the story told the same way   
verbatim at least twenty times." Ritsuko smoothed the front of her   
house dress and rubbed the fur of her ears matter-of-factly. She   
turned to Nabiki, "Are there any more potato chips?"  
  
Akane looked strange for a moment. "Oh," she said finally,   
"Ringu-chan says that she never liked how the original version   
ended..." The Ring had of course been the one who first told the   
story to the first sentient squirrel.  
  
"Pretty well read for a piece of jewelry," Nabiki commented, "And,   
no, Ritsuko, there aren't any more potato chips. No payment   
without service." Nabiki closed her eyes, swallowed and slowly   
opened them again. "Now, Daddy, you were saying about faking   
Mom's death?"  
  
"It really wasn't hard at all, physically. Just as Ranma said, she   
took a pill, it appeared as if she were dead for a while, and then she   
woke up. But the funeral was so real! And that last night when she   
stepped out of her coffin so gracefully, like an angel...I begged her   
to stay, but of course the matter was already decided...I miss her so   
much!"  
  
A harried looking panda limped into the living room and collapsed,   
doing a passable, if somewhat lumpy, impression of a bear skin rug.   
  
"Baka," Ranma muttered.  
  
"Do you mind explaining to me, Daddy," Nabiki's voice was   
startlingly loud as she advanced on her father. "What convoluted   
string of illogic led you to believe that letting me think my mother   
was DEAD...was somehow better than just getting a divorce? Just   
how is it that you thought making me live through a traumatic   
experience, giving me nightmares that stayed with me for YEARS,   
and making me keep us from being bankrupt while you 'grieved'   
was going to be BETTER for me in the long run?"  
  
Ranma couldn't help a snicker, "I see now why Pops and you are   
such good friends, Tendo-san." Family Honor barked loudly beside   
her and she sobered, bowing. "So sorry for being disrespectful   
father-in-law."  
  
Speaking to Nabiki, Soun put tried to explain "It was your   
mother's idea...I..."  
  
Akane was too busy lifting a transdimensional mallet high into the   
air to hear. "Daddy no BAKA!"  
  
A loud thud and a collective wince later, the discussion concerning   
Soun's involvement in his wife's escape was effectively over.  
  
"Hey," Ranma said over Soun's and Genma's unconscious bodies,   
"Shouldn't we be getting ready for school?"  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"She ~bitchin~ sparkified yo! Check it!" Hanako pointed through   
the back window of the minivan at the naked Chinese girl on   
roller-skates. Hanako had a very slight frame and wasn't as strong   
as some of the other girls, but she made up for it by being both the   
foulest and most charismatic member of the gang.   
  
Glancing in the rearview, Vicious saw what Hanako meant. The   
girl was not only keeping her balance on the skates, she was   
actually ~catching up~ to the van! Granted, Vicious was only   
going fast enough so that the girl would only suffer a few broken   
bones along with massive scarring if she were to fall, but   
still...who would have thought that purple was her natural hair   
color?  
  
"Go faster, Vicious!" one of the girls called out.   
  
"Seen, be speedificicious, Missus Vicious!" nodded Hanako.  
  
Smiling, Vicious slowly let the speedometer crawl upward well   
into the danger zone. If the girl made a mistake now she could die,   
but Vicious doubted that that would happen. This was the most fun   
she'd had in a long time. The best part was coming up though.   
"Red light's by-droppin , Yankers," She told the girls. who now   
looked ahead at the stopped traffic with glee.   
  
"Seen!" some of them said. "How the Chinkster gonna chug that?"  
  
"Specs like we're gonna chug in a tic..." Vicious muttered as she   
came to a sudden stop behind a red Daewoo. Almost instantly there   
was a loud BANG and a crash sound as the back windshield   
impacted with the wheels of the girl's skates and fell inside...along   
with the girl.  
  
She had landed in the small space in the floorboard just in   
front of the rolling door, having passed over two and a half rows of   
seats. Everyone stared at her in amazement. She got up from the   
floorboard, stooping a little because of the limited height of the van.   
She was bleeding from several places but she didn't appear at all   
conscious of her injuries or that she was naked. In fact, that was at   
best a secondary issue for everyone else at the moment as well.   
The primary issue was that the girl had just done something that   
none of them would have even attempted to do in their wildest   
dreams, and that this girl now seemed to be pissed.  
  
"I do not wish to demean your customs," she growled, her eyes   
seeming to burn in their sockets, "but if you do not release me now,   
I will murder all of you very painfully." She jiggled the chain still   
connected to her wrist manacles for emphasis. "Is this clear?"  
  
"Eriko, unlock her." Vicious commanded. Eriko was the youngest   
member of the gang and was a little too haughty for her own good.   
She needed to be knocked down a few pegs.   
  
"I ain't chuggin why I gotta do the shit work. I may be shiny but I   
ain't tiny." Eriko was referring to her fighting prowess as opposed   
to her actual height. She was indeed one of the best fighters in the   
gang. Still, she took off her seatbelt, fished in her voluminous skirt   
for the keys and unlocked the naked girl's wrists. She got a hard   
right into her left eye for her trouble.  
  
"I apologize," the naked girl said, cracking her knuckles, "Reflexes."  
  
Eriko in severe pain, reeled into the lap of Mariko, who was the   
largest and oldest of the gang excluding Vicious and had a scar   
running from her temple to the middle of her left cheek Partially   
covered by the white mask. "Shove off, Tit-suck," Mariko threatened   
evenly and pushed Eriko into the floor board.  
  
The light turned green and Vicious started forward, causing the   
purple-headed girl to grab the top of the shotgun seat to keep her   
balance in the Minivan on her skates. Eriko crawled back to her own   
seat muttering a string of curses.  
  
Vicious drove in silence for a moment or two before the Chinese   
girl spoke again in a barely restrained, menacing tone. "As much   
as I appreciate your hospitality, I would very much like to have my   
clothing returned to me."   
  
"Your clothes are back at the Whammy Burger," Vicious   
explained, looking into the girl's eyes in the rearview, "I really   
wasn't expecting you to be so talented. One of the girls will lend   
you a school uniform, we like to keep them for torturing the boys   
that cross us, but first, what is your name?"  
  
The girl seemed to relax just a little, like a snake concealing its   
fangs, but still prepared to strike. "My name is Shan Pu, Amazon   
warrior and great grand daughter of Ku Lon."   
  
"Amazon?" Hanako asked as she started rummaging through the   
uniforms in the back "But don't China got a ditch-the-bitch   
policy?"  
  
Flicking on the turn signal, Vicious turned into the Furinkan High   
School parking lot. "It wouldn't be the only chauvinistic country   
with a pocket or two of fatal femmes, seen?" Stopping in front of   
the school building, Vicious waited for Eriko to pull herself   
together and get out of the van while Hanako gave Shampoo the   
clothes. After Shampoo had everything, Hanako exited the van,   
waving goodbye.   
  
"I'll have to let you off here," Vicious told the Amazon. You just   
  
go down Furinkan Street and then turn right a block from Tofu's   
clinic."   
  
By the time Vicious was done with the directions, Shampoo was   
dressed. It was strange how normal she looked in the uniform. She   
even had glue socks and regulation shoes. It was hard to believe   
the same outfit had last been worn by a freshman boy who had   
"forgotten" to pay Hanako back on a loan.   
  
"This is satisfactory," Shampoo nodded, and slid the side door   
open.  
  
"Sorry about...all that," Vicious waved at the broken rear   
windshield, "but you did break our window."  
  
"I understand," Shampoo actually smiled, "I worried before that all   
Japanese women were weak. I am glad to have been proven   
wrong." With that she stepped onto the asphalt. She paused for a   
moment, seeming to stare intently at a young red-headed girl in a   
pig-tail and Chinese clothes. "Ranma!" She started waving and   
running toward the girl.  
  
But the black-haired girl in the uniform that walked with her, the   
one with the sour expression on her face, she looked straight at   
Vicious through the windshield, and her expression changed to one   
of excitement. Vicious felt a wave of vertigo, it was almost as if   
she was looking into a mirror of herself some twenty years ago.   
She couldn't hear what the girl was saying but it looked an awful   
lot like "Mom!"  
  
"Mariko, close the door!" Vicious commanded and, putting the van   
into gear, she squealed out of the parking lot and into the street.  
  
There was no denying that girl was Akane, her youngest daughter.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Ranma couldn't believe her eyes. Her friend from China, whom   
she'd thought she'd never see ever again, was here, in Japan, at   
Furinkan. It was like she had risen from the grave or something...  
  
"Mom!" Akane called out beside her, staring at the woman driving   
the black minivan that Shampoo got out of who appeared to be   
wearing some sort of face mask. Ranma did a double take: Akane's   
mom...Shampoo. A triple take: Shampoo... Akane's mom. Akane's   
Mom was driving ~Shampoo~ to school?   
  
Ranma was interrupted from her brief confusion by Shampoo's   
exuberant embrace. It was a glomp really, but Ranma returned it   
heartily, laughing. "It's been so long, Shampoo! How did you get   
here? Are you going to school at Furinkan too? This is so cool! I   
missed you, you know. I thought I'd never see you again. Gods!"  
  
Shampoo's strong arms continued to squeeze Ranma, her long   
silken hair brushing against her cheek. Ranma heard a small sound,   
a wet intake of breath, barely perceptible really, but she pushed   
Shampoo gently away by her shoulders, "What's wrong,   
Shampoo?"  
  
Ranma could tell she was trying not to cry. "It...it's nothing,"   
Shampoo said. "I just so happy am here! I mean...I'm...so glad to   
see you!"   
  
Just then there was a loud screeching as the minivan sped   
recklessly out of the parking lot and into traffic, narrowly avoiding   
a collision with a white Cresta sedan, the bald headed man in glasses who   
drove it raising his fist and yelling ineffectually. Akane chased   
after the van. "Mom!" She yelled. "Mom! I'm here! We know   
you're not dead, come back!"  
  
Shampoo raised an eyebrow. "Missus Vicious is her mother?"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow of her own, "Her name is Missus Vicious?"  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~~  
  
Eriko was at the gate when Nabiki, Ranma and Akane walked in.   
Eriko was one of Nabiki's muscle for those special cases when it   
was needed. She was a little kooky, always wearing long dresses   
over military fatigues and combat boots, bleaching her hair blond,   
and wearing face masks. She and Hanako were both part of some   
silly gang of violent girls. Unlike Hanako, Eriko's bleach job never   
reached her roots and the light and dark contrast in her hair made   
her seem much earthier than her fellow gang member. Eriko also   
had more bulk, having the wiry strength and poise of an athlete,   
while Hanako was almost frail and much smaller despite being a year   
older. Both of them could be really weird at times, but Nabiki   
didn't care, just as long as they did their job.   
  
Eriko was one of those people who were so reckless it was   
impressive. Like today she had a massive black eye that was so   
swollen Nabiki was sure she couldn't see out of it. To get in a fight   
so early in the day...maybe it was a little ~too~ reckless...   
  
"I can't use you today, Eriko." Nabiki said simply in place of any   
sort of greeting.   
  
"What you mean, Biki? You got a spare b-guard hidden in your   
uniform?"  
  
"I have other ~assistants~, Eriko. And my ~assistants~ cannot   
help me if people think they can't hold their own in a fight."  
  
"You talking bout this?" Eriko pointed to her eye, "But this ain't   
fight make-up! Some huge ass Amazonion Chinky bitchlet from   
Hell got pissed and just wailed without warning!"  
  
"I don't really care ~how~ you got that black eye. It's bad for   
business. Come back when it's healed." Nabiki walked past the   
Yankii girl.  
  
"Come ~on~, I ain't even ~feelin~ it!" Eriko protested to Nabiki's   
back.   
  
Ahead of Nabiki Hanako approached, yelling out casually, "Oh   
don't be panty-twistin, 'Riko. She's just givin ya a fuck-me-up is   
all." Hanako could have passed for a Junior high student. A good   
four or five centimeters shorter than Ranma's girl side, she looked   
like the sweetest little girl you could care to meet...until she opened   
her mouth that is. Unlike Eriko, she took her face mask off in   
school, and did find occasion to speak normally from time to time.   
"Everyone knows a black eye is more impressive. Means you're   
not afraid to get in a tussle. Ain't that right, Bikikins?"  
  
Nabiki nodded slowly. She had to keep an eye on Hanako even   
more than her gang buddy. The girl was sharp...Nabiki often used   
her on the more complicated blackmailing schemes...but she had   
her own agenda and it was a little like playing with fire... while   
sitting next to a gas station.   
  
"Hey there's a squirrel on your shoulder, wearing a house dress,"   
Hanako pointed out, "Let me get it off for ya." She picked up a   
stone.  
  
"That won't be necessary," Nabiki said, "Hanako, Eriko, this is my   
newest espionage expert, Ritsuko. Go easy on her, okay?"  
  
"Hi there!" Ritsuko waved in a large circular motion. "I would just   
like to say that I sympathize with the frustrations of the proletariat   
and I fully support your rebellion."  
  
"On second thought," Nabiki said, "Go ahead and hit her."  
  
Hanako grinned and let loose with the stone, thwacking Ritsuko in   
the head. "Ow!" Ritsuko exclaimed. "That wasn't very nice!"  
  
The three of them walked for a time, Nabiki filling the two gang   
members in on the pertinent information: new student that changes   
sexes, talking squirrel, Akane more on edge than usual, on account   
of her recently having to deal with a piece of jewelry that had a   
nasty habit of controlling people's minds... the usual thing really.   
When they approached the parking lot on the way to the assistant   
principal's office, where Ranma would be registering for classes,   
they ran into Akane, Ranma and another girl talking animatedly   
about something.  
  
"That's the bitchlet, thereways!" Eriko pointed.  
  
"You mean the huge Chinese Amazon you were talking about?"   
Nabiki asked.  
  
"Seen!"  
  
"Is she hiding behind the bubbly, purple-haired schoolgirl?"  
  
"She is the bubbly, purple-haired schoolgirl," Hanako explained,   
"Only she ain't bubbly...or a schoolgirl. We gave her some spare   
clothes after she owned us righteously."  
  
"Never chugged her for a lesbo," Eriko mused. "Shoulda sussed it   
  
mayhap." She was referring to the way the girl was fawning over   
Ranma, staring at the pigtailed girl with eyes all googly and taking   
advantage of any excuses to touch her.  
  
"The red-head is Saotome, the one I was telling you about. The one   
who changes sexes." Nabiki explained.  
  
"Ohhhh." Eriko and Hanako enthused.   
  
They were close enough to hear what the group was saying now.   
Akane had just finished insisting vehemently that "There's no way   
my mother would call herself something as stupid as 'Missus   
Vicious!'"  
  
All three of them stopped dead in their tracks. "Shit cakes on high   
heat, Biki! Missus Vicious is your ~mother~?" Hanako exclaimed.  
  
"I certainly hope not," Nabiki sighed.  
  
"Now that I chug on it, ya do smack of the Missus..."  
  
Nabiki purposefully ignored Eriko and rushed toward Ranma,   
hoping for a distraction. "Hey, Saotome, who's your friend?"  
  
"Oh hey, Nabs, this is Shampoo, my friend from China. She's an   
Amazon. Go easy on her. Shampoo, this is Tendo Nabiki, and the   
angry girl with the long black hair is Tendo Akane, her younger   
sister."  
  
Akane glanced briefly down at Shampoo's breasts and sniffed.   
"They aren't that big."  
  
Hanako gasped. "Fuck me Amadeus! If you spec her face, Akane   
looks almost exactly like her!"   
  
Nabiki closed her eyes and took a breath. "Okay, time out, people.   
Let me get this straight. Ranma's friend from China is the same   
person who beat up the gang of the people who work for me and   
they dropped her off here, where Ranma just happened to be going   
to register. Furthermore the leader of this gang, the gang my two   
associates have belonged to for the past five years, is actually my   
mother, who's been dead for a decade?"  
  
Ranma nodded, "Seems like that sums it up..."  
  
Nabiki pulled out a calculator from her bookbag and started   
punching buttons, a somewhat crazed look in her eyes. "Let's   
see...faked death...unlikely chance meeting...cosmic irony...yes,   
this should be the odds of all this occurring at once."  
  
Looking over Nabiki's shoulder Hanako pointed at the calculator's   
display. "Hey, isn't that your telephone number?"  
  
Ranma giggled and started singing. "Ohhh! It's a small world after   
all! Iiiit's a small world after all! Iiiit's a small world after   
all; it's a small, small world!"   
  
Without any potato chips on her person, Nabiki did what any   
sensible person would do in her situation...  
  
She passed out.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Vicious drove the minivan into the construction yard. She was   
alone with Mariko, as she had just finished dropping off the two   
other girls, Toko and Hoko, at the homeless shelter, where they   
were doing their community service. If you asked Vicious, she'd   
say the law took aggravated assault way too seriously. Still the   
community service was probably good for the girls. They weren't   
that far away from being homeless themselves after all, and it   
might inspire them to do better in school.  
  
Mariko and Vicious both worked at the construction yard. There   
were three main reasons for this. First, women weren't supposed to   
work in construction and the Yankii always did what they weren't   
supposed to. Secondly, Vicious and Mariko both had extremely   
good upper body strength. Vicious got her strength from her   
father's side of the family, Mariko from the steroids she took in   
Junior High. Finally, without college degrees, what else were they   
going to do? Work as office ladies? That would be even worse than   
being married!  
  
Mariko was silent throughout the trip from the shelter. She was   
some twelve years younger than Vicious, though with her harsh,   
almost masculine features and her somber expression, she seemed   
about the same age. She never really talked much, and most the   
time that didn't bother Vicious, but on the way to the yard,   
Mariko's reticence was more oppressive. It was the silence of   
someone being silent because they have something to say.  
  
When Vicious parked and was getting out of the van, Mariko finally  
spoke. "I'm quitting the Yankii," she said.   
  
Vicious paused, swallowed and leaned into the van to see Mariko's   
face, her own face suddenly drained of color.   
  
Mariko took her mask off, fully exposing the scar that ran along   
her cheek and revealing her startlingly full lips. "I'm sick of all this   
shit. I want out."  
  
Vicious wanted to hear what Mariko said again, to be sure what she was   
hearing was real. But she had always found it inane for people to ask   
"what?" or "what do you mean?" or "huh?" and any number of variations   
thereof when they already knew perfectly well what the other person   
said and what they meant. They were cop out expressions. Autonomous   
responses to stimuli. So instead, Vicious closed her eyes, breathed,   
and accepted what she heard. One of her best friends was going   
  
to leave her.  
  
She sat back in the driver's seat, because she didn't feel up to   
standing. After a few moments filled with the sound of rivets and   
banging and yelling of the world outside the minivan and nothing   
else, Vicious asked simply. "Why?"  
  
"I was sixteen when I joined. I used to look up to you. All the rest   
of the world was shit, but when the Yankii were at your   
house...you didn't judge us or nothing. You just took care of us.   
When you left your kids...dammit I thought that was the stupidest   
thing I heard. We all did. But we didn't say nothing. We didn't   
want to lose you. We didn't want you to leave us like you left them.   
  
"I know you got mind fucked. I know you didn't ask for none of   
that, but whatever happened, you became a mom. First to your kids,   
and then to all of us." Mariko turned her face away from Vicious   
and looked out of the window.   
  
"I'm twenty-five now. I ain't into stupid shit like torturing tourists   
no more. I keep thinking bout you and your kids...I keep thinking   
how you got something really precious and you're letting it slip   
away. And I look at myself... at what the Yankii done for me, and   
all I really got to show for it is this scar. That and maybe knowing   
you." Mariko rolled the side door back and stepped out onto the   
sunny dust-covered asphalt.   
  
"I'm just sick of all the shit, like I said. You can have the girls beat   
my ass tomorrow. Just one thing..." She turned to face Vicious   
directly through the doorway. "I want you to deal the first blow.   
I'm asking that as a friend."   
  
The sound of riveting filled the silence as Kirika nodded. She   
wasn't feeling very vicious at all at the moment. With a slam of the   
door, Mariko was gone, and she was alone in the van. Just her and   
the reflection in the rear view mirror of the gaping hole that was   
once the rear windshield.  
  
She couldn't help but think about Akane, Nabiki, even Kasumi   
whom she only knew for a year or two before she left. She couldn't   
help but think of Soun and how devoted he was to her.  
  
She would have to go to Jiro's Garage tomorrow and get a   
replacement for the rear windshield, maybe for the whole back   
door. It might take several days and in that time there wouldn't be   
any easy way to transport the girls. Still it would be fixed. What   
Kirika didn't know was how to fix the gaping hole in her soul.  
  
She shook her head free of the silly thought and got out of the van.   
That was just leftovers from the mind control talking. She was   
Missus Vicious, and she had work to do.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Stop calling her that! Her name is Kirika!" Akane yelled at   
Hanako, who had just for the fifth time remarked on how similar   
she looked to her mother. Akane, Hanako, Eriko, the unconscious   
Nabiki and Ritsuko were all outside in the school courtyard while   
Ranma and Shampoo were getting registered. It was strange, but as   
far as Akane could tell, as soon as Shampoo had seen Ranma, the   
Amazon realized she had always wanted to be part of the Japanese   
public school system.  
  
Akane hadn't realized how early she had gotten to school. She   
usually avoided it until the last minute and then tried to blame   
being late on Nabiki or some unforeseen circumstance that she   
knew about ahead of time. Usually, the stupid boys were already   
there, waiting for her to pound them into the dirt, but now she had   
to wait for them. Uncaring perverted bastards the lot of them. They   
were really going to get it now!  
  
"Righto, I getcha, truly. No need to go all fire-engine red on me."   
Hanako held her thin hands up in a placating gesture. "I just can't   
believe I never sussed it before. I mean, shitpickles, I was just   
telling Eriko here the other day that you'd be a perfect yankii..."  
  
"She ain't joshin ya. Just t'other day she spurted that very thing."   
Eriko nodded.  
  
"Just shut up! Both of you! I am not now, nor will I ever be, part of   
your stupid gang. And why can't you just talk normally? Honestly!"  
  
Eriko thinned her eyes, "Hey the yankii ain't stupid, and if you   
spurt that chum again, Vicious' daughter or no, I'll glove you. No   
diff to me."  
  
"What did she say?" Akane asked Hanako, confused.  
  
"Oh, she was just saying that if you called us stupid again she was   
going to stick her fist so far up your ass she'd be able to move your   
arms and legs with her fingers," Hanako offered, helpfully,   
beaming up at Akane. She made a hole with her right thumb and   
forefinger and shoved her left hand upward through it, waggling   
the digits. "You know, like a glove."  
  
"Oh that's just sick!" Ritsuko said. Up until now she had been   
alternating between fanning Nabiki with a piece of notebook paper   
and looking surreptitiously around for potato chip crumbs. "You're   
such a cute girl, why must you be so crude? Besides that's   
physically impossible anyway."  
  
In a flash, Hanako had Ritsuko by the tail, the squirrel dangling in   
the air from her fingers, her dress up-turned, almost covering her   
small head. "I suppose you'd like a demonstration?"  
  
Akane's estimation of the smaller girl's skill had risen greatly.   
Hanako didn't look like much... not near as strong as   
Akane, but ~damn~ she was fast.  
  
"Put me down, Hanako-chan! Hurting me won't do anything to   
ease your feelings of inferiority."  
  
Hanako's thin, unbleached black eyebrow twitched. "Mayhap it   
won't, mayhap it will."  
  
Ritsuko looked panicked for a moment as Hanako glared   
menacingly at her. Finally, as if shaking herself from a trance,   
Hanako lightly tossed the squirrel back onto Nabiki's blouse.  
  
That was when they started to show.   
  
First was the Karate club, followed closely by Judo with one or   
two Sumo waddling behind. Then some of the more violent groups   
showed.   
  
The Chemistry club looked suspiciously smug today, their glasses   
gleaming with evil intent.   
  
The male members of the Furinkan dance club, all two of them,   
pirouetted menacingly in the shadow of a laughing statue.   
  
A cadre of tennis enthusiasts unsheathed their rackets from their   
zippered cases, resolute that this day they would spill the blood of   
tomboy.   
  
The Jazz band, led by a saxophone player in a tweed jacket,   
polished and fine-tuned their instruments of torture, preparing to   
blare their supersonic notes of death until their quarry crumpled in   
  
submission at their feet.   
  
From almost every facet of school life they came. Different as they   
were from one another, they were united by a common goal, and   
all were sure that today they would not be thwarted, today they   
would stand victorious and all others would bow before them in   
deference to their greatness. Almost as one, they ceased their   
sounds of preparation and stared stonily at their destiny.   
  
The minute hand on the clock tower jittered as if in anticipation,   
and then finally clicked into place. At exactly 8:25 AM the armies   
sang out their battle cries.  
  
"AKANE, I LOVE YOU!"  
  
"I HATE BOYS!"   
  
And the multitudes slammed against Akane with all the power of   
an island village against a hurricane.  
  
The boys were, of course, prepared for some level of violence. In   
point of fact, many, if not most of them went through the ritual so   
that after receiving whatever debilitating blow the young Tendo   
dished out, they would be coddled by their girlfriends and maybe   
have their first sexual experience. Sure this was pretty dumb and   
yes, many girls were not in the least bit impressed. On the other   
hand, hardly any of these girls had boyfriends. It was a self-  
propagating system for which Akane was merely the catalyst.   
  
Unfortunately the boys had picked a bad time to engage in their   
bizarre mating ritual, because this time there were two other card   
carrying tomboys at Akane's side, and both were itching for a fight.  
  
It wasn't pretty.  
  
Bodies flew, blood spilled, teeth launched out of mouths...Several   
of the boys found themselves twisted into positions they could not   
get out of. The sound of cracking bones, of exploding concrete, of   
ear-splitting high C's, of the screams with flesh pounding   
accompaniment, filled the air like marijuana at a rock concert.  
  
By 8:27, the battle ground had already become a wasteland   
peppered with groaning half-dead participants. The dust settled and   
three girls remained standing, breathing heavily and smiling.  
  
"Cunnilingus crabcakes!" Hanako said, "That was the best fight   
I've had in months!"  
  
"Seen," Eriko nodded. "Gonna hafta head schoolwards more often,   
ere this keeps up."  
  
"I didn't need your help." Akane grimaced.  
  
"Help? What help?" Hanako asked, "We saw a fight starting and   
joined in to kick some ass. 'Sides you can't keep this to yourself   
anymore now that we know you're Vicious' daughter. You're a   
yankii by default, you ken?"  
  
"No...I'm Akane..." Akane said, confused as she made her way   
over the unconscious bodies toward the school. The two yankii   
girls followed alongside her.  
  
Hanako laughed, "Nah I knew that. I was asking if you kenned me.   
You know as in understand?"  
  
"Gods! What happened here?" Ranma said as he and Shampoo   
entered the scene. Ranma had changed into male form for the   
edification of the assistant principal, who did not know of   
Jusenkyo curses. The assistant principal, Washi-san was his name,   
agreed that it was best that Ranma be registered as a girl despite   
what it said on his birth certificate. Genma would have screwed up   
the registration somehow if Ranma had let him do it, but as it was   
it went relatively smoothly for him.  
  
Shampoo, on the other hand, had a few problems. She had snuck   
on board a cargo ship from Peking to get to Japan. She had no   
passport, no ID. She essentially did not exist. It took a lot of   
convincing both on her part and on Ranma's to get Washi-san to   
agree to enroll Shampoo, and only then on the condition that she   
get the necessary paperwork by the time the current term was over,   
which was in three months.   
  
When they left the office, they heard the sounds of fighting and ran   
out to see what was going on. Ranma had completely forgotten to   
change back into his girl form.  
  
"We took care of it," Akane said tersely.   
  
Ranma surveyed the damage. He went to one of the fallen, a jazz   
band member, and winced in sympathy as the boy attempted to   
remove a trumpet from a private place. Ranma couldn't really tell   
if it was a trumpet for sure...he could just about make out the   
mouth piece... "You don't think you went a bit too far?"  
  
"Measure once, cut twice, that's our motto, hot boy." Hanako   
replied. "You really that red-head from before?"  
  
Ranma nodded. He looked back at Akane, "You know just because   
your mother's the leader of their gang, you don't have to join   
them."  
  
Akane's eyes narrowed in anger. "I can do whatever I want, you   
freak!"  
  
Ranma shook his head, "These are just kids, Akane! Most of them   
probably haven't practiced the Art once in their entire lives! Even   
if they were all attacking you, you didn't have to be this brutal."  
  
A low growling emanated from Ranma's side.  
  
Shampoo placed a hand on Ranma's shoulder. "The girl is   
unskilled. No doubt she knows nothing of pressure points or   
simple knock out blows. It is likely this is the only way she saw to   
defeat her attackers."  
  
"~She knows better,~" Ranma contested in Mandarin. "~She did   
this out of false pride~."  
  
"~Then nothing will come of lowering her self esteem~," Shampoo   
replied.  
  
Ranma nodded slowly, "You're right. I wasn't seeing the big   
picture." Turning to Akane he put his hands together and bowed. "I   
apologize. I judged you without knowing the whole situation. If   
you could just explain to me what happened, maybe I could   
understand."  
  
"You don't need to understand," Akane shot back. "You're just an   
unwanted house guest. I hardly know you. You're just as bad as   
Kuno, you think you're so much better than everyone else, so   
much more honorable. I've heard it all before, you pervert. And   
I'm not taking it anymore, you hear me?"  
  
Ranma frowned. "Who's Kuno?"  
  
"He's a royal stick in the ass," Hanako said.  
  
Nabiki joined the group, rubbing her forehead. "Are you talking   
about Kuno-chan?" She looked around at the aftermath of today's   
battle and grimaced. Looking to Ranma she explained, "Yes, this is   
all more or less his fault. He thought Akane was too much of a   
tomboy and challenged her to get her to stop fighting people.   
When Akane won, he went off the deep end. During a speech   
competition he declared that if anyone wanted to date Akane,   
they'd have to defeat her in combat. He claimed this was to get her   
to stop fighting, but of course it didn't work. No one was able to   
defeat her. Kuno sort of developed a crush on her since then, or   
maybe he always had it, but now he fights her just so she'll go out   
with him. Kind of sad really." Nabiki stretched her arms over her   
head and let them fall to her sides. "Understand that I would have   
charged you for that if I wasn't afraid your friend Fido was going   
to use my little sister as a chew toy."  
  
"Her name's Family Honor," Ranma corrected.  
  
"Yeah...I know. It's a...never mind" Nabiki waved it off. "Anyway   
it's nothing to worry about. We just have a lot of masochists at our   
school."  
  
"Masochism, huh?" Ranma said. "I never understood that. I mean   
why would someone willingly subject themselves to a beating just   
because they like a girl?"  
  
"There are many boys like that in my village," Shampoo nodded,   
"I find them completely devoid of intelligence."  
  
Ranma suspected Shampoo was thinking of one boy in particular,   
but he knew better than to mention the name.  
  
"Maybe if you'd ever been in love, you'd understand!" Akane   
snapped.  
  
"Akane, you know I love your older sister very much..." Ranma   
said crossing his arms.  
  
"No you don't! You can't! You've only known her for what, a   
day? You're just using her so you and your stupid panda father and   
your rabid dog can freeload off us!"  
  
Before Ranma could say anything, there was a blur of motion and   
Akane snatched something out of the air. A rose. She threw it to   
the ground. "Kuno," She seethed.  
  
Dark clouds came in from behind the clock tower of the school   
"The toll of the bell at the temple of Gion shows us the transience   
of it all." A figure walked toward them, dressed in hakama, an   
unsheathed sword in its right hand. "And the color of the blossoms   
on the trees demonstrates that all which prospers must someday   
decline." The figure resolved itself in front of Akane into that of a   
tall, teenage boy, his hair thick and black over his blue eyes, he   
seemed at once more mature than his age, and by virtue of his   
costume, more childish. He closed his eyes and laughed. "Such a   
boorish lot, truly. Evidently each of them thought to date with you.   
On the dawn of the day they finally defeated you that is." Thunder   
rolled overhead.  
  
Nabiki snuck away toward the school were she wouldn't be as   
likely to get rained on or accidentally cleaved in two by a stray hit   
of Kuno's bokken.   
  
"They should learn their limitations," Kuno continued.  
  
"Get out of my way, Kuno," Akane said, "I'm not in the mood   
right now." She attempted to pass him, but he blocked the way   
with his wooden sword.  
  
"Well then, Tendo Akane," He swung the sword gracefully into a   
ready position. "Will you spar with me?" Kuno apparently couldn't   
hear too well with his eyes closed as they were.  
  
"Hey! Let her pass, Dickweed!" Hanako yelled.  
  
"Seen. Else we gonna do some gardening." Eriko nodded.  
  
"This is my fight, okay? Stay out of it." Akane got into a ready   
stance.  
  
"This is the guy who made the challenge huh?" Ranma nodded to   
Kuno, his arms still crossed. His invisible dog began to growl   
again beside him.  
  
"Leave Family Honor out of this!" Akane yelled. "He wants a   
spar," She leveled her gaze at the would-be samurai, "he'll get   
one."  
  
Kuno opened his eyes, he pointed his bokken at Ranma. "You   
there! Aren't you being awfully familiar with Akane-kun?"  
  
"My apologies for not introducing myself," Ranma bowed. "My   
name's Saotome Ranma of the Anything Goes School of Martial   
Arts. I'm engaged to Akane's sister, which is how I know Akane. I   
would like to make a formal challenge to you, but not just yet.   
Family Honor would not be satisfied if I attacked under the current   
circumstances. If you will permit me, I and my colleague here,"   
Ranma gestured to Shampoo, "will continue on to our classes."  
  
"Very well, you may pass, but know that I, the rising star of the   
world of fencing, captain of the Furinkan Kendo club, Junior in   
class E, with strength beyond measure, and a voice that can silence   
a crying child, whose peers call him the Blue Thunder!" A flash of   
lightening arced behind the boy as he held his sword pointed   
toward the heavens. "...I, Kuno Tatewaki, age seventeen will be   
awaiting your challenge, and when we next meet you shall taste   
defeat."  
  
"Hey, that rhymed!" Ranma said.  
  
"Of course," replied Kuno. "Every word I speak is poetry."  
  
"Um...right..." Ranma turned to Eriko and Hanako, "You'll take   
care of Akane if she gets hurt?"  
  
"Yeah, we ain't gonna babysit her or nothing but we'll haul her off   
if she needs hauling," Hanako nodded.  
  
"Fine," Ranma turned back to Kuno and Akane. Bowing to both of   
them he said, "I wish you both glory in the coming battle," and left.  
  
"~I wonder how long it will be before they are joined~." Shampoo   
said in Mandarin.  
  
"~Akane and that boy with the stick? Never would be my guess~,"   
Ranma replied.  
  
"~I just know how easily hate can turn into love~."  
  
"Heh. I suppose you're right. I mean you used to hate me and now   
we're best friends!"  
  
Shampoo smiled slightly, trying not to look too wistful. "Yes," she   
said. "Friends."  
  
The first patters of rain began to fall and Ranma stood in front of   
the doorway long enough for the curse to activate. A girl once,   
more Ranma looked up at Shampoo and smiled. "I'm glad you're   
here, Shampoo. I missed you."  
  
And with that, they both went inside.  
  
~~~~~[END]~~~~~  
  
I borrowed a bit from other series with this one. The yankii I got   
from Fruits Basket though I don't plan on making an official cross   
in this fic. I'm almost positive that the real Yankii, (if there is such   
a thing and it isn't just a name for a kind of person on the same level   
as "goth" in the US would be) are completely different from how I   
depict them here. If this fic reflects reality in any way I'll be   
shocked:-)   
  
When Shampoo first meets the Yankii Eriko calls her "chinpoko-  
jin." Now, I really try to keep my Japanese use to a minimum but   
sometimes I can't help myself. "Chinpoko" is, as any student of   
South Park knows, Japanese for penis. Literally Chinpoko-jin   
would mean "penis person" but it sounds a lot like Chugoku-jin,   
which means "Chinese person." Initially the Yankii have just as   
much prejudice against the Chinese as Shampoo does against the   
Japanese in this fic.  
  
A good bit of the Yankii accent I lifted from Tad Williams's   
Otherland series, and Mr Williams deserves credit for making   
some truly awesome characters there. I altered the accent a bit, and   
I might have gone over board, but it was fun.  
  
Finally, there was an obscure reference to GTO, which is of course   
one of the greatest anime in the universe and it's creators also   
deserve credit; so I'm giving it here.  
  
C&C would be greatly appreciated. 


End file.
